Do I have time for a part-time job??? I'll have to definately think it through!

Did you know that Wendy's has UNBELIEVABLE adoption benefits for ALL employees who work for them over a year???

A $23,300 grant and 6 weeks of PAID leave for an adoption!

That is AMAZING!

Liam's subsidy paperwork is DONE!!!

What this means is that his paperwork is now on the way to my lawyer. I'm hoping he receives it this week. Then he will call me and set a day/time to meet and go over it (although I've already gone over it so it should be nothing.) After we go through it, assuming it needs no changes, we will give it back to the agency to send in to the state. They will approve it and ok it, hopefully within 3-5 weeks. Once we have it back, then my lawyer will file for an adoption date! Usually that means about 5 -6 weeks after it comes back. So... essentially... if I meet with my lawyer next week... we could be looking at an adoption date at the end of MAY! Wow!!! I can't wait!

And an update on my healthy living... In January I knew I needed a major life change. I started eating better, much more whole foods and packing in the nutrition in the calories I am taking in. I also started doing the Wii Fit and have now added in different work out programs. Yesterday was my 8 week mark and I have lost 23 pounds! :) My first major goal will come in just 11 more pounds. At that time I'm buying a bike and bike trailer so the kids and I can spend time together being healthy this summer! :) I can't wait!

Sorry I've been gone a while. I have been so sick. :( I was off Wednesday and Thursday last week, finally having gotten to the doctor and received my prescription of antibiotics. Friday I was dressed and ready, though still not feeling well, when Liam woke with crusty eyes, green nose, and fever. So we were both home Friday and he got antibiotics for an ear infection. I was glad actually for a reason to stay home though. I was out of commission still on Saturday and Sunday. After a bad day Saturday, I did some planning Sat evening and brought up some toys we hadn't used in a while to occupy time on Sunday. I also asked Olivia if she wanted to do breakfast herself and she was on cloud nine. (She did a great job with toast, cheese, cereal, and apples!) :)

I received a couple more questions this week that I'd like to answer in case anyone else would like similar information...

My first question is about the spacing in age of your kids. I was wondering if you could give me some of your insights in regards to age differences amongst your kids.

Really that is going to depend on the kids you end up getting and what experiences/traumas they have been through and how it's affected them. Adopting at all, but especially adopting children who are waiting to be adopted is very different from having birth children and adding them one (or more at a time) in birth order, and being biologically related. Each of these kids come with such a unique series of genetics and histories, it's hard to know how or where or if they will "fit in" with children already in your home. It's a fine balance.

For me I know that taking another girl is going to be hard for Olivia. Especially if she is close to her age. The house I am currently in (and yes I dream of moving to something larger at some point, but for now this is our home) has three bedrooms. I have the smallest, Olivia the next largest, and the boys have a finished upper room that is quite large. Olivia is VERY protective of her room and her things. Even though she really doesn't play with them. She does not like kids in her room, but always wants to play in the boys room or play with the baby toys that are just out in the living room. She has a little bit of a hard time with Braeden still occasionally as well. I really think that it's because Braeden had been with me for a year when she came at age 3 1/2. He had TONS of stuff. :) He had had his first Christmas and first birthday with me and was given lots by friends and family.

When Olivia came, they had had nothing and she came to me with one doll. She got lots too, over time, but I think it has always stuck with her that I "like him better" for whatever reason. It's been hard to "prove" her otherwise. She's 2 1/2 years older so does have more responsibilities, homework, etc. She sees that as being unfair. Her attachment issues and prior history would make it difficult to take on another girl.

So , I wish I could answer your question better, but it just really depends on the kids themselves. I think as you get your feet wet and possibly meet some kids you'll see more of what will work. Just be sure to ask LOTS of questions! If adopting children who are waiting, SWers are not always up front about issues.

My second question is if you might share some of your experiences of adopting trans-racially. I am totally open to the idea, and feel hearing experiences from trans-racial families is a good way to prepare myself.

Really this has been a non-existent issue for us. I was a little hesitant on how others would react, but have had no issues. My friends and family have been wonderful. As my children get older, I hope to continue to prepare my kids to meet with compassion whatever may come their way. I know, I am not ignorant of the fact, that things very well could be said or things done, strictly based on the color of my children. I want them to be aware as well so that they go into this world with eyes open, but hearts open as well.

Have you read this yet...

http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601039&refer=columnist_mccaughey&sid=aLzfDxfbwhzs

If not, read it!
It describes additional wording and plans for Health Care linked in with the Stimulus Plan.

This is some scary stuff. It reminds me more and more of a government being concerned with helping those who are young and strong and healthy. A government who cares more for money than it does for the individuals who make up this beautiful country of ours.

"The Federal Council is modeled after a U.K. board discussed in Daschle’s book. This board approves or rejects treatments using a formula that divides the cost of the treatment by the number of years the patient is likely to benefit. Treatments for younger patients are more often approved than treatments for diseases that affect the elderly, such as osteoporosis. "

What does or could that mean for people who are on medicaid??? Such as my children!
Or people - adults and children - who are HIV+??? Such as my daughter!
I've seen the misinformation that runs rampant in our country, even by supposed in-the-know health practictioners. If a council is set up to decide what treatments and people get the go ahead, regardless even of their own insurance or ability to pay, but especially if they're on medicaid, heaven forbid, or if they have a misunderstood and feared disease, what could that potentially mean?
What about children adopted abroad and brought into this country with illnesses or disabilities or AIDS, who are coming to be loved into a family, given care, given health? I've seen these faces. I know these stories. What could this health care bill mean to the future of kids such as these???

It's scary, and this bill should not be passed quickly to boost our economy. It should be studied and looked at in depth. This knowledge should be given out to the public. We should make ourselves aware and let our voices be heard. I fear for what could become of the country if we don't.

Hair - My hair is getting longer and longer. I wish I could find a style that was ok and just keep it, but I never do. I always go to a salon, tell them the honest truth (I will NOT take the time to do hair, I won't, never do, it lasts a week and then it's wash, brush, dry - without brushing/styling, and done, period) but it's like they don't believe me. Or maybe they think, hmmm... if I just give her THIS (you fill in the blank) style, THEN she will want to style and take the time to do it. NOT true people! I am telling you the truth! It's not only that I just don't want to, though that is certainly part of it, but I am hair illiterate. I am. It's true. Can't do anything! So, anyway, what I usually do is get it cut, maybe I do like it or love it, but I also have issues with making phone calls. Seriously. It's true. If I do not set up an appt. before I leave the salon, chances are I let my hair grow and grow until I simply can't stand it, then go somewhere else to get my hair cut and start all over again. Vicious cycle isn't it! :) I don't care. Why is it so expensive to even get your hair cut well in the first place? So I decided that since I usually just let it grow, cut it, and grow it again, and since it grows very quickly, I'd put it to some use. As soon as it gets long enough it will be donated to Locks of Love. Yay, a great organization, and a reason to do nothing with my hair! :)

Weekend Plans - This weekend we have big plans! But the kids don't know it yet! :) We're heading to a town about 2 1/2 hours away where most of my dad's side of the family lives. We are having Christmas!!! :) yay! I'm so excited to see everyone! I hope it is a relaxing and fun weekend. I'm sure it will be. I'll wait til we're on our way to let them know, you just never know what could happen before then! :)

Monday - So Monday is Olivia's and my girls' day. We have been planning on hitting a great thrift store, eating at Olive Garden for lunch, then seeing Hotel For Dogs. BUT, after reading about the movie yesterday in my Adoptive Families magazine, I'm not so sure now. Maybe some of you who have or have had foster children could give me some input??? I knew what the commercials show, two kids find an abandoned hotel and all the strays in the world to house there and care for them. Well, I found out more... I guess the two kids are in foster care and have been bounced a bit. They end up with a not nice couple who tells them their dog can't stay. In the process of figuring out what to do, they find the hotel, etc. I guess they do become close to their caseworker and he is proud of them for what they accomplish. They end up finding a great couple who adopt them. BUT, I worry about the memories. I worry about what it could make her think of, the what if's of adoption and foster care. She's still young and already has such a hard time processing what actually happened. Should I take her????????? I just don't know. I've already told her we were going too, so that's a part of it. AHHHH! Why??? :)

School/Work - So most of the districts around us were cancelled today, just too too cold! Some are closed tomorrow as well. Mine, well, kids don't have school tomorrow as it's a teacher institute day, but because of that we DO have to go to work. It's ok by me. We only have to be there from 8-1, they are providing a working lunch for us, and we don't have an extra day added to the end of the year. Sounds good to me! :)

Today - Had a great day, got lots and lots done, and had a fun night with friends. My friend J and her three girls came over, cooked dinner, we ate and talked, then I showed them some of the Wii. We didn't get to do a lot as they couldn't stay real late and we were creating profile for each of them on the Wii Fit, but I showed her what some of the games/workouts/etc were like on it. I can't wait until she comes over and we really get to do it! And no, no video of me hula hooping will be on this blog! Unless of course I end up like the finalists on The Biggest Loser and look so great I won't mind at all! LOL :) It's a possibility, you never know! :)

Liam's adoption update - Well, supposedly, though I still can hardly believe it's true, Liam's bio dad never filed an appeal and termination is FINAL AND COMPLETE! (I still keep waiting for them to call and say they were wrong though!) AND, the subsidy paperwork which is the next step in the process of him being a forever part of our family, is supposedly done as well, and is being sent to my attorney!!!

Now, this however is a bone of contention with me. As I told the newest caseworker, number 3 or 4 I think, with both Braeden and Olivia's adoptions I was shown the subsidy prior to seeing it with the lawyer, or at the very least had input on it prior to it being completed. This way I could make sure that the medical past issues, development, etc was all a part of it. He is brand new to this case, and the person doing the subsidy I've never even spoken to. I really don't want to make an appt, sit down with my lawyer, go over the subsidy, find out things I know should be in it are not, have to send it back to the agency, then make another appt with the lawyer, etc... when I could bypass the first appt. by having some input. When I mentioned these concerns, the caseworker said "he'd talk to the supervisor and see" And I have yet to hear back from him (It's been a few days now.) Yuck! I'll be so glad when Liam's adoption is final and I'm completely separated from this agency. :(

BUT, the subisdy issue aside, I am incredibly excited and it feels too good to be true that Liam will most likely be a forever part of our family by summer!!!! I CAN'T WAIT!!! :)

Or, just putting shoes on their feet...

Here is a wonderful way to help put some much needed shoes on feet this holiday season.

This is taken from the Red Letters Campaign blog.


Here’s a great way to “give thanks” to God this Thanksgiving - buy a pair of shoes for someone living in a third-world country. If you sign up for the Soles4Souls “50,000 Pairs in 50 Days” Campaign, you can share the Gospel of “good news to the poor” for just $5.

Here’s how it works:

Go to 50000shoes.com.A $5 donation buys two pairs of shoes. Everyone that’s reading this has $5, and everyone has 2 minutes. From start to finish, donating is literally three clicks. No fluff. No hassle. Anyone can donate.

Spread the word.Use the widget code on the landing page to post a link on your blog. Email everyone you know. Join the facebook group. Ask your friends to do the same!

Win a trip.

Besides the fact that the blogging world can literally impact 50,000 people before the end of the year, one person (and their guest) will be chosen at random to hand-deliver the shoes they purchased on a Soles4Souls trip to Mexico.

Imagine handing someone their first pair of shoes… ever.

Do the Math.

If 500 people influence 10 people to donate, and those people influence 5 more, that’s 50,000 pairs of shoes ($5 buys 2 pairs).

Get Started.Sign-up at http://www.50000shoes.com/, donate your $5, and start spreading the word.

For more on this campaign, read this article: Shoes, Social Media, and Justice

The other day Olivia came home from being at our after school program having written a story she was extremely anxious to share. I thought I'd share it with you as well, I love it!

Bears Adopt Duck

Once upon a time three bears found a duck in the pond. The three bears decided to adopt the duck. The three bears were happy. They lived happily ever after.

by Olivia

Today was the first visit with Liam's birth mom since she signed over her rights. We've exchanged a few letters and set up a visit for today after school. I had Olivia go to our after school program so that it was just Liam and I, at least for the first visit.

It went very well.

I was nervous, and she was too I think. We met with her and her boyfriend for about an hour at McDonalds. It was good to talk to her and share some information, get to know each other a little bit. She gave him a bear today. I was so glad for that, as silly as it sounds. She hasn't given him a gift since I've had him and I was touched she had brought it for him. She asked about sending a gift at Christmas (I have a PO box) and I suggested we get together again in January for Christmas and to celebrate his birthday. She was very happy about that, so we're planning a visit Jan 30 on his birthday as of now.

I think "we're" going to send her a box at Christmas. Possibly a framed picture of Liam and ??? Not sure, but I thought it would be nice. I also found out her birthday so that will be something we can celebrate together as well. I think we're off to a good start. There were a few things said that I'll watch to see if they continue and how I could help her with a "different" way of saying it, just some terms and such that I think will be hard for him to understand at this age.

I'm blessed to at least be able to share God with her (she does go to church I found out!) and allow Liam a relationship with his birth mom as he grows.

Well, my letters reached their destinations today. I was also supposed to have a home visit today with the new caseworker and the supervisor, the one who told me that my name would not be used. Nice timing. (I so despise confrontation).

I received a call at 4:15 (the home visit was to be at 4:30) to basically make sure I was home and tell me that they were on the way, that they received the letter today, and that we would discuss it then. Of course they were late.

Not five minutes after they called, I received another call. Thinking it was them, I answered, but it was Liam's CASA worker. She had not been at court, but her supervisor had. She said that she had heard about court and was sorry to hear what had happened, that it should not have happened. She went on to tell me that her supervisor, who had been at court, had just called her to fill her in and asked her to call me to let me know that the judge received my letter today, read it, and there was going to be some big meeting about it! I was glad to hear he had read it, I really didn't know if he would, and that he had taken it seriously. I thanked her for the information.

Finally the caseworker and his supervisor arrived. They didn't waste time talking about the letter. And the supervisor completely denied ever saying that my name would not be used! He said that he had told me he would check into whether or not they could do that, not that they had agreed to do that! OK, well, IF that had been true, I would have been calling to find out what was determined so that I knew going into court what I was preparing for. Second, even IF that is what he had said (which it wasn't), he still lied because he never contacted them at all! I am just so tired of his excuses.

This is the same person who at a family meeting with Liam's birth mom, told her that my adopted daughter was going to be getting a wish from Make a Wish, completely none of her business, had nothing to do with Liam or his case, and a matter of confidentiality. Yet when I discussed this with both he and his supervisor, the regional supervisor, it was that he didn't say that, or excuses about how the mom should know that in case the wish was a trip and Liam would be a part of that (her wish started out differently). NO! She had no business knowing that and only needed to be asked/told that he would be going on vacation if that were the case.

So, the caseworker asked how they could rectify the situation, "Ummmm, you CAN'T." and went on to "comfort" me in that he "probably won't remember my name." Yes, I understand that, but that's NOT the issue. And as often as you can say "probably", it only takes one time. One time to be a news headline. From them, this information was not something that needed to be said. They messed up. They should have spoken up in court. They didn't follow through. They put my family in jeopardy. That is the issue.

So supposedly I am going to be invited to this big meeting. They said that everyone will be there and I can "air my issues." Whatever. I really hope that it does not turn out to be "them against me." They kept telling me that that is how things are always done. And my name has to be given for the record. OK, if you are so sure of all that, then why even tell me anything about checking into not using my name in the first place. The caseworker started to say, "The accused (dad) does have a right to be there and to hear the case against him, he has a right to stand against his acc..." And I said, "Whoa! I am NOT his accuser and I have NOTHING to do with him losing his parental rights. This is the state against him, not me, and that's the problem. He is losing rights because he can't parent. Period." I could NOT believe that almost came out of his mouth.

And, to top it off, why or how is it that kids know exactly when they can push every button there is!? Liam was an angel the whole time, just sat on my lap. Olivia had already ruined any chance of seeing HSM on the big screen when I picked the boys up and she was in trouble over a couple small things, and she hauled off and hit me in the head! And Braeden, whew, that boy was a NIGHTMARE the whole time they were in the house! Things he never would do otherwise. Pulling off couch cushions and sliding down them, running and acting ridiculous, I mean please.

What a night. I am wiped. I need to spend time reading my Bible. I will be doing that shortly. I need to be rejuvenated. I need chocolate. No, I need ice cream. Anyone know an ice cream delivery service!? The downfall of single parenthood! :( :)

Update: Olivia just came out of her bedroom to tell me her underwear were falling apart!? (we're still using the bedtime alarm to work on bed wetting) I said, "Hmmmm... were you messing with them and pulling them to rip?"
"Yes"
"Go back to bed." Argh!

I'm finally feeling like myself again. Tuesday really took a lot out of me.

I worked on a letter on Thursday and had a great friend help with the revisions. Another helped with how to address it. I ended up writing to the judge, state's attorney, G.A.L. (Guardian Ad Lietam), caseworker, agency supervisor, agency regional director, and the police dept. I was told by some friends that I should send one to the police dept to start a file in case of any problems. I found out from a couple other people that I most likely could have plead the fifth, citing safety concerns. But that is also something that the agency supervisor should have told me when I spoke with him about my concerns. I had no idea. Plus, the fact that it took me so off guard and I was sworn in, I couldn't think of anything at the time. I could have prepared myself to say that if I had known it was possible.

The other thing I found out was that, as much as I am hoping that he doesn't remember my name, some people on my yahoo foster care group say that he will get a copy of the court report, and there it will be in black and white. Anyone out there know if this is true!? I know court records are open, but I thought in juvenile cases like this they weren't??? Anyway, the letters were mailed out yesterday. I wrote something at the end stating that I was looking forward to discussing this with them and that if they had any questions to please contact me. Each letter was individually addressed, with CCs at the bottom of everyone else receiving it.

Braeden and I went to High School Musical 3 on Thursday. Olivia did really well with not getting to go, though she did ask that if she was good for the hour before, could she go. I said no. :) I stuck to my guns, and she was fine. Did great for the sitter. She doesn't know, but Thursday when our sitter comes again I'm going to take her. :)


We all went to a friend's daughter's birthday yesterday and had lots of fun. That's where Liam went all out in his dressing up! :) Braeden was a bit off the wall, to say the least, but it was still fun. My friend J and her 3 went also and we had a great time.

Where to even begin. My heart is constricting just thinking about it again. I wish I could sit here and say that my heart was calm and composed, that I felt prayers spoken for this time, that I was able to do this. I wish I could.

A little background, Liam's bio dad has a violent past. He is in jail and will be for quite a while, but I'm sure he has "connections" around here and is a member of a gang. Not 100%, but pretty sure from what I've heard. It's a bit scary.

Previously, once I knew bio dad would be in the court room when I gave my testimony for this best interest hearing in Liam's termination, I had spoken to the agency supervisor about not using my name in court. He assured me a few days later that he had spoken to the state's attourney and GAL and they would only use my first name and not my last. I had banked on this. I was prepared for questions related to raising Liam for the past almost two years of his two and a half years. Imagine my shock when the first thing I was asked upon sitting in the stand was to speak and spell my first and last name. I couldn't believe it. I just looked around the court room, hoping that the agency supervisor, who was present, would speak up and say something about having spoken to someone previously about my last name not being used. Oh no, he just grinned and shrugged. The judge said, "It's not a trick question..." I wanted to crawl in a hole. I started practically hyperventilating and was heaving and crying through speaking and spelling my first and last names. Then they proceeded to ask me where I worked! And what I taught! They had to get me kleenex! I could barely speak.

How can that be safe? How can that be the norm? How can they allow case after case of foster parents in this for caring for children to give testimony and witness against some pretty violent people while letting them know your names and work places? And I was supoena'd, it wasn't like I had a choice to be there. I couldn't not answer once I was on the stand. How can they do that??? I don't understand how that is ok???

After that they went on to the questions I had been prepared for: how long has he lived with me, what does he call me, what does he call the other children in the home, what do we do as a family, what was he like developmentally upon arriving in my home (at 9 months he could not sit up, crawl, etc, and was barely using one sound to "communicate"), what I did to address his developmental concerns, etc...

Once I was dismissed and sat back down, the judge began talking about what was happening today at this hearing and bio dad yells, "Subject! .... Subject!" - pretty sure he was meaning Object. He began saying how he/Liam (not his birth name by the way but what I am naming him) sat at 2 months and he would know because he's his dad, etc. I knew exactly what he was talking about, he was mad at my testimony. MINE. The rest of the people there weren't totally paying attention to him and acted like he made no sense. He did say a few other things I didn't understand, but I think he was meaning something as in when he said Subject for Object... but they didn't know. Bio dad had to BE REMOVED FROM COURT because he was so mad and getting out of control! He was in shackles, but they still removed him! And he did not get to come back! I could hear him all the way in the court room yelling! While he was out the judge asked if he had mental issues, like I said they thought he was incoherrent. (Maybe because I teach special ed, but I really did understand where he was going with what he was saying.) His lawyer said that, Yes, he was being treated for mental issues!!! She then said that the correction officers did not think he should return to the court room. And the judge went on to terminate rights.

Afterward, his atty came up and congratulated me (I know her from a church I went to for a while). She said something about it being a hard day (referring to my tears and barely being able to talk) and I said, I really didn't want him to know my name. She was so nonchalant and said that the state's atty is young and forgets things like that. OH. My. Gosh! I just do not understand. How can they not understand that that is not safe. I'm single no less. And he can go online now and look at my school's website which has a picture of me and my name and an email. My last name is not hard to remember. I'm still in shock. I can't even process this fully. My dad suggested I write a letter to the agency, state's atty, and judge. I think I will. If you have any ideas for things to include, phrases, sentences, verbage as a friend would say, I'm all ears. It's hard for me to put my thoughts together very coherently right now. But really, what good will it do now? Who will protect my baby if his bio dad decides to try to "get" him? Who will protect myself and my other children? They don't live in my home.

:(

Have I said I love the book I'm reading Parenting Other People's Children??? :) lol Yes, that's right, I think I have. Yesterday's portion that I was able to read was especially pertaining and just what I needed. It explained what needs to happen to help these children heal. The author calls it the "Repair Cycle." And, what do you know, it's what is happening with Olivia and I, granted on a lighter scale than it would with kids with more trust issues than she has. And it's a big part of why I thought she needed therapy. Now I think we're doing ok, but I still want her to see someone else to help her process the issues about her brother. (By the way, I cancelled the original therapist appt we had and am going to get her into the specialist on attachment issues in foster/adoptive children.) :)

Basically the repair cycle goes like this:
1. Connecting Phase - connecting, bonding, attaching, sharing experiences
2. A Precipitating Incident - ends the connecting phase, meltdown over consequence, etc
3. Battle Phase - anger, misbehavior, control battles
4. Reconciliation Phase - banish our anger and return to connecting phase

What did I tell the therapist basically as to "why" I wanted Olivia in counseling? "We go for quite a while and she does really well, then it's like she hits a brick wall and we have all out he**." Luckily our "battle phase" usually only last a day or two, but I know for many, especially many in the early stages, these are often and long.

The author says that he is describing here a "technique that people who successfully repair TD (trust disorder) children universally use." And that "as repair advances the child should be spending more time in the connecting phase and less in the battling phase with each successive cycle completion."

Prior to going through the repair cycle, he explains the four "rules" that we need to follow to work with them to be able to trust us as their caretaker, their parent. They are things that we use with all children, but that with these in particular we need to make sure to follow these unfailingly.
1. Supply all their needs.
2. Be trustworthy
3. Be sure the child knows that he is trusting you (that YOU are in control)
4. Be emotionally strong
(He goes on to explain these in detail and why they are so important.)

BUT, it also makes me SO MAD to know this. SO MAD that this information is so readily available, and is available, and makes sense. Anger that I wish I could do something about, and hopefully can in that I can help other foster parents or soon to be foster or adoptive parents, understand these children and what is going on.

Mad... that as a foster parent in training attachment is touched upon so lightly. Yet nothing of serious impact was discussed, leaving the foster parent unprepared for the issues these children bring with them into the home and how to help them heal.

Mad... that this book, or a similar book, is not a mandated part of training.

But most especially angry... that had I known what I now know, Olivia's brother would probably still be with us.

He is/was the classic case of a child with a huge trust disorder. And yet, when I debated "professionals" responsible for his care: psychologists, psychiatrists, his counselor, his SAS worker, etc, none of them gave me any inkling of an idea of this as a possibility. Attachment, trust, etc, these were not even mentioned! I was told time and time again that if I just gave his meds a chance, it would allow him a little more time to think about his behavior... he is bipolar and I need to allow time for his meds to work... etc etc etc. Yet I told them time and again that NO, meds are NOT his issue or his cure. He is FULLY aware of his behavior and is using that to manipulate us in the home. Over and over I tried to get SOMEONE to HELP. To give me/us options and ideas. And I got nothing. He wasn't/isn't bipolar, he doesn't/didn't need meds. You CANNOT medicate RAD or trust disorders. You can't! And that was the problem. And that is what NO ONE even gave me an idea of. And that is what I am now beating myself up over... because he's Olivia's brother. And if I had known this information, I could have worked with him. We could have gotten through it. We would have been ok. And he would be here and she would not be missing that part of her life. If only...

This afternoon was Liam's first part of his termination hearing. Bio mom already signed off her rights, so it's just dad they are terminating on at this point. Today we had a new judge! They were almost going to give us a continuance and a new date, so he could look over the paperwork, but decided not to, SO GLAD!

Dad's was found "unfit." This means that we then were to make a second date for the other part of termination, the best interest hearing. I'm a little, well, ok, quite a bit nervous, for that hearing, which they scheduled for October 21st at 2pm. Bio dad can still come to that, and I have to testify at it. I have to talk about and answer questions about my relationship with him, my love for him, and my willingness and want to adopt him. I don't relish the idea of saying those things in front of a bio parent. I have not had to do this before. In Braeden's case, I happened to be out of town, and had been told that it was not my best interest to ever meet or let them know who I was. It was an unsafe situation. In Olivia's case, bio mom had dropped out of the case 8 months prior, which we later found out was because she was pregnant and hiding the fact. So she didn't show up. (The baby - girl - had been born a week prior we later found out.) In addition, if that wasn't hard enough, Liam's bio dad has a violent past. He is currently in jail and will be for some time, but it still makes me nervous, and a bit scared.

So, I look forward, with anticipation, nervousness, and relief that the end is in sight, to OCTOBER 21st!!!!

From there, bio dad will have 30 days to appeal. IF he does, it will only prolong the process. IF he doesn't, then the agency will begin subsidy paperwork. Once that is completed (totall up to the worker assigned and how long they take), I will look it over with my lawyer, assuming it's ok it will then be sent to the state to be ok'd, once it is then we will be given an adoption date! I'm thinking it may be this spring! :) yay us!

I'm really getting a lot out of reading the book on Attachment Disorders that I'm on currently, Parenting Other People's Children. It's been a bit hard to get into as the author is restating Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs and Bowlby's Attachment theories, and then reorganizing them together to identify "his" trust disorder paradigm. But, it makes a LOT of sense and really showcases "our" kids and the issues they have and why.

I came across another of Olivia's "issues" last night while I was reading. A lot of these things I just don't think about as being from a "cause", I just get frustrated or have no idea why she thinks or feels that way. It is all coming together now! A lot of what this author is saying relates back to the need level everyone has for safety and security. That is the second need level that infants piece together naturally. The first is having their physiological needs met (food, sleep, etc.). Safety and Security can be UNmet when a child/infant is consistently not getting their needs met. They don't learn to trust that their needs will be met. Most of "our kids'" issues can be attributed back to this. They still need the level of safety and security met. Just because they are safe NOW, doesn't transfer for them, because they weren't safe and secure for so long that this is not an easy fix and they are constantly reacting out of fear.

On to Olivia and my newest insight. Olivia often, if we have a day where our meals are a little different (for example we have a snack at breakfast time, a huge brunch, and then will eat an early dinner) will constantly ask about the perceived "missing" meal, in this example lunch. When is lunch? Did we miss lunch? Why aren't we eating lunch? This obviously doesn't happen often, but when it does it drives me nuts. Same when we went to my Grandma's surprise party recently. We ate donuts on the way out of town, stopped for lunch on our drive there, and then ate dinner at the party. Well, the party was from 2-5 pm, so "dinner" was eaten around 2:40-4 or so. We ate tons, then went to my aunt and uncle's, and then swimming at the hotel. She constantly was asking about dinner. Did we miss dinner? Were we going to eat dinner?

Now, these aren't saying that if Olivia was hungry we wouldn't feed her, we had snacks, etc but she was so put off by not having, in her mind, that meal. It all goes back to her feeling unsafe or insecure about not eating and not getting the food she needs. Wow! Even though she wasn't actually hungry in these times, she "missed a meal" in her mind, and was feeling extremely insecure about this. Duh! Why didn't I ever connect that before? I will try to be extra cautious in this area in the future and make sure if we have meals a little differently one day, that she has some snacks out she knows about and can eat if she feels the need. (Healthy snacks of course!) :)

I'm really rethinking the therapist Olivia is scheduled to see, and we haven't even gone there yet. My friend J and I had another foster parent training today, with the same RAD specialist as two weeks ago. She spoke today for a while on a child's issues with being controlling and bossy to others!!! Hmmm... In addition, I didn't realize that she contracts through our adopt unit to provide services locally for children with attachment issues!!! I talked to her a little today about who we are going to and she didn't say much but did say that that person will use a psychological approach as that is what she knows. She went on to say later that if we're unhappy to contact her.

J and I ordered FOUR different books on attachment, especially pertaining to children from foster and adoptive backgrounds and we received them this week. We both began a different book today and have been on the phone a few times already tonight sharing things we've read. I LOVE the one I'm starting with... Parenting Other People's Children by John L. Stoller. I've only read the Preface and Introduction so far and SO EXCITED to continue the book. The book came about as he researched ways to teach his foster son's teachers about RAD.

Sections I've LOVED so far...

"The ability to trust or mistrust as appropriate is a survival technique. The RAD child learns to mistrust his caregiver as a survival technique, and this negative lesson learned at an early age becomes deeply entrenched in his emotional core. Once learned, it is very difficult to unlearn. It is very difficult to retrain a child to trust. It takes years of quality parenting to rebuild the lost trust."

"The psychological community... is poorly trained in RAD... has little experience in identifying RAD and has not reached a general consensus on what constitutes a RAD diagnosis... in general does not understand the relationship between the early pathogenic care the child received and the child's symptoms... has not developed generally accepted treatments specific for RAD."

"The few experts who are successfully treating RAD all seem to agree that the parent must be present at therapy sessions. Along with the idea that developing the relationship between the parent and the child is more important than developing a relationship between the therapist and the child (after all, that is the attachment relationship in RAD that has never formed and needs to form now), having the parent present keeps the child from lying to and conning the therapist."

Yes, that all makes so much sense!!! And while I do not think Olivia has RAD, that term is usually reserved for the most severely affected children, John Stoller argues that a more appropriate term is Trust Disorder, stating that unformed attachments come about from a lack of trust to begin with, and states that this covers a wider "spectrum." I believe more and more that Olivia falls into this category. And I want to be a part of her therapy. My guess is that that is NOT how the person we are seeing on Oct 21 treats patients.

I'm seeing more and more of her behavior in a new light with these books. It's quite eye opening. Everything from how she was stiff as a board when picked up and hugged as a child, and still not truly comfortable with hugs now, bedwetting (J's book says angry children often "pee out their anger", being controlling/bossy toward others, manipulation that mostly the prime caretaker alone sees and understands, charming to "outsiders," lying, stealing, whining (but not just typical whining), saying I don't know when asked why? - they truly don't know as these connections just aren't there, and I could go on...

And as for the therapist, I don't think she is going to be what Olivia needs. I'm going to honor our first appt, and ask some hard questions, and then most likely switch to our RAD specialist. I want help with attachment issues and I don't think that's what I'm going to get. But I'm glad I'm finding things out now and not later.

A very good training again today, and some great books that we've found!!!

Yesterday was an extremely difficult day. It was one of those foster parent, adoptive parent, child is having none of it, all out, hard days. If that makes sense to you, then we are on the same page, or at least in the same book. I couldn't blog about it then, and it's hard coming now.

Olivia does well for a long time, then seems to hit a wall where one time out or consequence sends her into an all out tantrum worthy of a show called "Beyond Supernanny, What to do When You Become the Target of a Child's Previous Past." And two hours of not knowing what is coming next, trying to distract and occupy two little ones, while all of your senses are in tune to what's going on in the next room, and you're trying to let it cycle through, but you want to step in if needed to prevent hurt, and you're making a plan on the spot for the next minute or second of response to her actions and words and her plan - just. plain. is. exhausting. After two hours I felt like I needed to sleep for two days to catch up.

BUT, I knew/know where most of her anger that she builds up comes from. It's from not seeing her brother. Her bio brother she lived with and was her only source of stability for the first 3 1/2 years of her life. her link to "family." her link to her past. her trust. And she just doesn't understand, no matter how many times we discuss it and talk about it and try to work through it, that his foster/adoptive family are the ones who "called it quits" with the visits. Even when the judge ordered visits once a month or more, they didn't do it. I tried and tried and tried. Someone finally did transportation on their end from their agency for some visits, but even that wasn't consistent. I know living 3 hours away makes it hard. I get it. But they are grown adults. A two parent family. A family who took him knowing about his sister and the need for their visits. They agreed. They broke that. And then told him over and over during visits which rarely happened that it was my fault. That I wasn't returning calls.

We do well for a long time, then something like this brings it all out... again. I get so frustrated with these people.

How do you tell your daughter who asks if his family is nice that I don't think they are because of how this is affecting her? I don't. I don't want to color them in a bad light because it's her brother's family. But I also want her to know that I have done above and beyond to try to get visits for her.

How do you answer a seven year old who wants to know why God doesn't make everyone nice? I tried to explain that God loves us SO MUCH that He gave us choices. And unfortunately not everyone makes good choices.

How do you tell a little girl that there isn't a law that says they have to let her visit her brother, when she asks that question, even though you think she's right, there should be, it's not fair.

How do you answer unanswerable questions from a little girl who has had too much happen in her life to understand? I wish I knew. I muddle through.

I'm just glad that after 1 1/2 hours of tantrum, we started to work through trust. The trust that she still doesn't fully have in me as mom. The trust that is always being worked on, but will never fully be built. Maybe when she's a grown woman and has a child herself and doesn't always have answers but tries her best nonetheless. Maybe when she reads this blog as an adult and can relate somewhat. Maybe. For now, I only can ask God to lead. God to direct. God to be my words. Because I don't have them.

This was my favorite page in the booklet we worked through yesterday...

In working with children who have attachment needs, you may find the following points helpful:

These behaviors developed over a long period of time. Addressing the behavior will also be a lengthy process.

You are not handling an incident. You are handling what has become the child's overall approach to life. Everything that you build into your home to create structure and stability and to ensure safety and well-being is part of the discipline process.

Realize that other parents, and even professional, may not understand what you are going through. Expect a range of responses and even judgements.

At least initially, and probably for quite a while, you cannot expect to get the rewards and joys that parenting usually brings. Just knowing this will help you to adjust your expectations and think about ways to ensure that your emotional needs are met elsewhere.

Realize that the behavior is not about you or your parenting. Knowing this will help you to remain more objective and to control what will sometimes be overwhelming feelings.

All - so true.

Attachment is a huge thing in adopting children. Usually we think of issues with attachment as only being a subject relating to children who are older when they are adopted. Often it conjurs images in those who haven't been around "these children" much of beaten, terribly treated children who haven't been given enough love. Love will cure all, right? Put them into a loving home and they will be "normal" in no time. Not in these circumstances. Yes, love will give any child a home. Love is what we, as adoptive parents turn to when reason and patience and understanding fly out the window in the midst of some of these "issues." Love, unfortunately, is not always "enough" to change the behaviors, the learned survival behaviors in some of our children.

This is a difficult topic to touch upon, but it's an important one. One that many shy away from. But you need to know and try to understand. My former foster daughter "Girlie" was one of those considered at the far end of attachment. Reactive Attachment Disorder, RAD, has already been batted around even though she is still young for an official diagnosis. While I saw the signs, and recognized the amount of work she is/was/will be 24/7, it was still a hard decision to not "keep" her. And I hear comments from friends and family about how cute she is, how love and stability would even things out, and I think of how they don't understand and haven't been around older children with these issues. In young children, RAD is managable, in older children it can mean daily calls from school, bullying, stealing, jail... I wish people did understand. Many, Many, Many children are adopted and then given up in disrupted adoptions due to attachment and then having the children reaching adolescence. Many.

Attachment issues are not just found in children having been in 20 or more placements, or children having been adopted as teens. I have a friend who adopted an infant who has RAD. He did not receive the amount of nutrition or care he needed IN THE WOMB. From the time children are conceived they are forming attachments, building trust in the world. But for children brought into hard situations, to parents not knowing fully how to parent and not finding out, to relatives who are no better and sometimes worse, to having their needs go unmet day after day, etc. These children have a hard time forming attachments.

Yesterday my friend J and I went to a foster parent training. Can you guess what it was on? :) It was a great day. One of our two trainers is one of about 3-4 specialists in RAD in Illinois. While most of what we discussed J and I already had read up on, researched, etc it was great information and nice to be able to discuss some of these issues. One topic of conversation however I found incredibly relevant and eyeopening.

For quite a while I have thought Olivia had some processing issues. I thought maybe they just weren't noticing it yet at school but that it would be only a matter of time. I had talked to her doctors about having her evaluated by a neuropsychologist. Often when I am talking to Olivia she completely mishears or misinterprets what I've said. Many times she has heard something completely negative and immediately had a 30 min or more all out tantrum over it, even though that wasn't what was said. For example, one time in FL I explained to the kids who were going to lunch with grandpa, that they should be on their best behavior and that after lunch we would go swimming if they had done well with him at lunch. She heard "You are not going swimming." and immediately started a tantrum which lasted quite a while.

Yesterday the RAD specialist gave this exact thing as an example of how children with attachment issues perceive things their parents say. They will always seek to pull out the negative, even if it's not even there in the statement. Wow. In addition, bedwetting is a huge area of control for many with attachment problems. Olivia wets the bed every single night. Every night for the past 3 1/2 years she's lived with us. I've thought for a while that Olivia has had some attachment issues, I don't know what foster child who is somewhat older doesn't, but hadn't put her perceptions of my dialogue into that area of inspection. She is my one who is happy as pie to go to a sitter's or have a sitter over or spend time with others, where they boys will sometimes be sad or just huggy for a few min before I leave. Olivia says goodbye and hugs me, but because she's learned that that is what people do when others leave. It all makes so much more sense now that I've put it together with the rest and discussed this more with others "in the know".

I've had a lot of people over the years I've been a foster parent say things to me such as: "Why don't their parents want them?" or "I can't believe they would just give them up like that." Etc. A lot of people just don't understand what foster care means. So, here is a VERY brief introduction to foster care...

To be a foster parent you have to go through training/classes and background checks, and a homstudy. The classes give you an IDEA of the kiddos you could take in. As a foster parent, you can let the agency know what you are open to or willing to parent as far as ages, medical needs, past histories, etc. They may still call you for a child who is "outside" these parameters, just to see if you would be open and because they needed a placement and maybe thought you'd be a good one. They also may have NO information on a child other than their gender and age. You can say yes or no to any placement they call about. They do not normally take a no as being a bad thing, but more that you are thinking through what you can handle and/or are comfortable with and that's a good thing because it means that the children you do take in will be a better fit and will hopefully get all they need and deserve from you and others will hopefully find a family that's a good fit for them.

Foster kiddos come into placement for different reasons. Sometimes parents voluntarily put them in care due to their inability to parent at the time, but that's rare from what I've seen. Most of the time, children are removed from their parents due to unsafe environments which falls under many circumstances: drug use, prostitiution, neglect, abuse, etc. There are sometimes, though I haven't expereienced it myself, when children are removed for invalid circumstances and shouldn't have been at all. Many of my kiddos have actually come from other foster homes. Some were relatives and then they turned out to be a bad placement and the kids were removed from them, or they were removed from bad foster homes, or just foster homes which were not wanting or able to keep them any longer.

When a foster child is placed with a foster parent, their goal is to return them home. BUT for many this does not or will not happen. The parents still "want" them, but either are unable or unwilling to do what they need to do to change the situation that got the child/ren removed. Does that make sense??? They typically have 18 months in IL to get their act together and if they don't, then the state starts termination proceedings. Typically. This is a guideline though and if the state thinks that the parent hasn't had enough opportunity or is trying, it can be longer. My friend J's foster daughter has been with her for over 3 years and was with another foster home for a while prior to her coming to my friend, and they are just now starting termination.

IF they are heading toward termination, this means they begin to get things together for a court hearing to take the parent's rights away. IF the rights are terminated, then a foster parent has the option of adopting their foster child or helping them to transition to a new home as an adoptive placement there. Once in a while a relative will come forward who wants to adopt them, but normally if a foster parent has had this child/ren for a year or more, they are considered as a permanent placement first before other relatives as they have a bond with that family. Remember I said once in a while or typically for most of this, because this tends to be the norm, but does not mean it will go that way.

So... Braeden I got at birth, three days old, from the hospital. A friend of mine had his 2 year old brother and 1 year old sister in foster care at the time. She had had them a year so we were pretty sure they weren't going home, and she couldn't take a new baby on top of the two she had, so I talked to people about "wanting" him and was allowed to be his placement. His rights were eventually terminated because parents wouldn't do what they needed to do, and I was able to adopt him when he was 2 1/2.

Olivia came to me at 3 1/2 with her brother who was 6. He had some major issues and behaviorally I couldn't do it much longer. They ended up moving him and allowing her to stay with me. Mom wasn't doing what she needed, and then dropped out of the picture 8 months before her rights were terminated. We then found out that she did that because she was pregnant and didn't want the state to find out. It worked and she still has Olivia's now 2 year old sister at home. I adopted Olivia last September.

Then there's Liam (by the way, these names all have been changed from their birth names). He came to me at 9 months old, from another foster home. He was placed in the other foster home at 4-5 months old. His foster home did nothing with/for him at all and the caseworker wanted him removed. So he came to me at 9 months not knowing how to sit up, crawl, stand, nothing. Within a week he was doing it all! :) He has come far, but is still lagging developmentally in some areas. His mom recently signed surrender of her rights and we are pursuing termination of bio dad's rights at this time, moving toward my adoption of him hopefully within the next year. (Yes, year, the whole thing takes quite a while!)

In IL, the foster child/children are provided a medical card to meet their medical/dental needs, day care is paid for as long as you are working or in school, and you receive a monthly subsidy check of which a certain amount is to be used for clothing and allowance (toys,etc). If you adopt a child from foster care, either as their foster parent, or a parent with a homestudy looking to adopt a child in need of a home, these things come "with" the child and continue until they are 18. Also, adopting through foster care allows you a certain amount of money toward the adoption itself. For me, here in IL, this has meant no adoption costs whatsoever. It's not "free" per se, because someone IS paying for it, but it's subsidized and is paid for on behalf of the state for the child to find a forever family.

Foster children often come with "issues." They have just lost everything they have known. Even if it was a horrible situation they came from, it was their home, their family, their sense of "normal." They could have trouble with attachment, aggression, behaviors, emotional trouble, eating issues, sexual acting out, developmental delays, or they could just not understand how to live in a family. BUT, they all need so much that so many out there could give, even if only for a short time. They NEED love, stability, care, attention, concern, knowledge of what it's like to live in a family, and to see the eyes of a caregiver/parent light up when they walk in a room. They DESERVE it. These are the children often forgotten. The children who become victims time and again in this horrible system of foster care. Sometimes animals in our country have more "rights" and "protection" from abusers than these children do. Hard to believe, but it's true, check the laws. And yet, many of these children, because of their histories, drugs in their system at birth, horrors they've witnessed, even if adopted into a wonderful, loving home, can never truly escape these pasts. It may show up in hyperactivity and play itself out in a classroom where they are labeled a troublemaker. It could become a part of their personality in ways that are incredibly difficult to manage. Or it could just show itself in silent tears at night. But foster care is needed. Godd foster parents are desperately needed!!! So, if God is tugging at your heart, if you are thinking about it at all, at least give it a try, go to some classes, meet with some foster parents, see what you could give a child.

That's all. My two cents. :)

I have worked on this blog post for a few days now, unsure of the words to say or how to phrase it. As I still can't get the wording "just right," I decided to post anyway. Hopefully God will speak through my words to get my feelings/thoughts across in a positive way.

As you may or may not remember, I rented a PO Box so that I could give the address to Liam's birth mom. I hoped that even though I was going to be adopting him, that I could keep the lines of communication open to her to provide her with updates and pictures, and possibly even visits over the years. She was very receptive to this. She signed her rights away and I was unsure how long to go before checking the mailbox. From what I've been told (I've only met her very briefly once and have seen her twice outside the courthouse where she wouldn't even make eye contact with me), she is much like a child/teen in her thinking. She thinks that his being in the system and not being returned to her is not her fault, and she thinks that once Liam becomes 18 and a legal adult he will leave me and go to live with her.

I checked the post office box earlier last week. And there was a card.

I was both excited and happy that she is taking me up on this opportunity (I know that Liam will be so glad to know as he grows that she loves him so much) and yet I was scared and nervous at what I would find. She is "done" now. She doesn't have to answer to an agency or judge or worry about visits being lost, it's just her and I muddling through this new territory to both of us.

I opened the card which she must have somehow purchased just for him and there was a sweet note to him about how much she loves him and for him to "be good." :) There was also a folded piece of "school" paper, a note to me. It was hard to read, I have to be honest. Not because it was mean, it wasn't. Not because she was demanding anything, she wasn't. But because she referred to Liam as "my baby" (her baby) twice. It was hard. Isn't that so selfish of me!? I feel bad for even thinking that. But it felt as though she views me as babysitting for her until he's an adult. I think that's how she sees it. But, so what? So what! She is doing the best she can in this situation. This is so recent still for her and I can't imagine the pain of knowing your child will never be "yours" in the way you had hoped. He hasn't lived with her but for the first 4-5 months of his life. But she was consistent in her visits. She visited regularly, almost every week unless she was sick. I know she loves him dearly. I now must go forward, praying for her, praying for our relationship, for her and Liam's relationship, for her and God's relationship. I hope that I can be there for her and show her why I "do this", why I love her even though she may not love me so much, why I admire her for her choice to sign surrenders, why I asked to continue a relationship with her, why I "allow" her to visit Liam. I pray God softens my heart, makes it easier for me to read her letters, helps me to be there for her, uses me as a witness of His love for her. I pray...