Sunday, May 15, 2016

Siblings

Yesterday was Olivia's biological brother's high school graduation.  She hasn't seen him in years. We couldn't remember exactly how long it's been but we think at least 7 years. This was the most recent picture I could find...


We lost touch after that.  Although we still had his address and phone number, I wasn't pushing her to keep up correspondence and she didn't feel like doing so.  Not too long ago she was able to reconnect through texts and has been texting since.  When he asked her to come to his graduation she was on the fence about what the best decision was. Was this the best way to do a first time meeting after so long?  But in the end, with an amazing friend offering to watch the kids, she knew how important this day was for them both.

Olivia was extremely nervous and anxious, especially in the week leading up to the ceremony. She slept little and worried and wondered how it would all play out.

I think I was almost as anxious myself. A lot of big emotions playing into this trip and visit.

We both were pretty nauseous through the day but overall it went very well. She wasn't able to see him face to face until a while after the ceremony. He stalled coming to meet her because he was just as nervous. Although we weren't able to stay long, it was a good first visit.  They look and act so much alike! 😊


After leaving I felt a tremendous release.  I don't think I even realized how very much I was in a fog of nerves and anxiety myself over this past week. I felt buoyant and a million times lighter and re energized.

The ride home for Olivia was spent processing the day and cycling from nerves to relief to joy and then finally to a place of grief and sadness. 


She misses him terribly and I suspect has pushed those feelings aside for so long, not wanting to subject herself to grieving repeatedly things that are out of her control.  He was her caretaker. Her guardian. Her confidant. Her protector. The one constant, good part of her life in those early formative years.

And she will hopefully use this as a stepping stone to a new and strengthened relationship.


Sunday, May 08, 2016

Blessed

Mother's Day is always a hard and bittersweet weekend. Big feelings for my kids who are reminded yet again that they are 'different.' Yes I am their mom. Yes they love me. But they have another mom too that I know they bring to mind especially on this day set aside for mothers. They wonder where she is, how she's doing, even who she is and what she likes. They feel torn in loyalty, though they shouldn't. They are afraid of upsetting me, though they don't need to worry.  

And I think of these moms as well. Of the sacrifice, the loss, the grief they most likely feel. I know this can't be an easy day for them either. So much loss. So much heartache. All for a holiday that should be a celebration. An occasion to be happy and joyful, yet for so many these expectations fall short.

So this year I'm working on my focus. Trying to refocus on that celebration. On the ones that made me a mom. On the friends who support me and make me a better mom.  And I'll guide my kids and their hard feelings through the mix of it all.

Happy Mother's Day to you, whatever your circumstance, no matter your situation.


Thursday, April 21, 2016

When the hard leaves you without words

I hear it's a full moon tomorrow.  Maybe that explains my melancholy mood the past 48 hours or so. Or perhaps there are explanations of another sort. Either way, I despise being stuck in the mire, unsure of how to break the spell and climb back out.

Olivia has a biological sibling whom she hasn't seen in years and only began communicating with again the past few months. Watching her navigate this relationship and reacquaint herself with her sibling has been a mixture of emotions. I needn't worry, she's doing beautifully.  

This past Sunday she was asked to come to this sibling's high school graduation. Unfortunately they live 2 1/2-3 hours from us depending on traffic. And because she hasn't seen them in so long she was thinking their first visit would be just with her and I (we've been discussing a visit halfway for a while now). But I'm a single parent, and that's over five hours of just driving, and it's not easy to leave all 3 of mine with anyone other than one certain sitter, especially for that long.

So we had some hard conversations where I was not liked very much nor understood.  I explained that if our sitter could do it then yes I'd love her to go more than anything, but if not then we could still attempt to go, but we would have to take one of the boys with and try still to find someone to watch the other two.  She was not happy. 😒

We asked our sitter immediately but I knew she was out of town and we most likely wouldn't hear back for a while.  

Tuesday morning I heard from her. She wasn't able to sit for us. I had to break the news to Olivia. She then had to try to explain to her sibling who I know doesn't understand, and ask if they could possibly get us three tickets instead of two. I know how hard that may be. I know that's asking a lot. But I hate for her to not be able to go now that she's been asked and especially because her sibling had shared what an amazing accomplishment this is when there were times they didn't think they'd make it.

We still haven't heard if 3 is a possibility. But I just can't drop her off without knowing anyone to go to the ceremony alone.  And I struggle with not being enough or doing enough.

Not a couple of hours later I received a speakerphone call from Braeden's teacher and school social worker. He had made some concerning comments at school and we had a pow wow (luckily they called when I actually had some time to talk) - over his intentions, their responses, how he handled it all, and the plan moving forward.  And I again was struggling with not feeling like I was enough.

This same day I was messaging with a fellow adoptive mom who recently came home with their child. And she's struggling. And my heart goes out to her in so many ways because I've walked those trenches. And I have no perfect words. Just prayers. Is it enough?

And I struggle to pull myself up, and out, and back from the edge. And I pray. Because I know deep within that God is enough. I will never be enough. And that's ok.





Sunday, April 17, 2016

Ten Months

Hard to believe it was ten months ago today that Olivia and I, barely over being dreadfully sick in Haiti at the tail end of our trip, made our way from Miami to Chicago and finally home as a family of five.


It's been such a roller coaster since with highs and lows and times of just coasting along at breakneck speeds and slow lulls.  



My mind still has a hard time wrapping itself around the fact that she has fit so seamlessly into our lives.  It's hard to remember a 'before'.  Hard to determine which memories she was present for at times of reminiscing.


I'm so amazed by her. 
By her resilience.
By her capacity for love, for attachment, for family.
She is going to be a world changer!!!



Let's Connect!

Search This Blog

Loading...

Followers

About Me

I am a single mom to four amazing kids; each of whom just happen to have been adopted. The first three were adopted through foster care, and we just completed an international adoption from Haiti. Our family has grown through adoption and I am all the more blessed to know each of my children. I worship a mighty God, teach Special Ed, love bargains, and am inspired by Pinterest... come along with us for the ride!


Olivia - 14

Olivia - 14

Braeden - 11

Braeden - 11

Liam - 9

Liam - 9

Macy - 5

Macy - 5

Check out my Teachers Pay Teachers store!

Blog Archive

What you should know about HIV

-HIV can NOT be spread through casual/household contact. HIV is not spread through hugging, kissing, shaking hands, sharing toys, sneezing, coughing, sharing food, sharing drinks, bathing, swimming or any other casual way. It has been proven that HIV and AIDS can only be spread through sexual contact, birth, breastfeeding and blood to blood contact (such as sharing needles). - HIV is now considered a chronic but manageable disease. With treatment, people who are HIV+ can live indefinitely without developing AIDS and can live long and full lives. - People who are HIV+ deserve to be treated with love, respect, support and acceptance as all people do. Additional information on transmission of HIV can be found on the Center for Disease Control website: http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/resources

Other Awesome Blogs

Orphan Crisis

• 147 million orphans in the world
• 50 million orphans in Africa 
• Every 14 seconds a child is orphaned by AIDS
• 16,000,000 have been orphaned by AIDS
• Every week, AIDS claims as many lives as American fatalities in the Vietnam War
• 854 million people do not have enough to eat
• Malnutrition is associated with the deaths of 5 million children under the age of five
• Every 2 seconds an orphan dies from malnutrition


Hence the title of my blog

Little Did I Know

Little did I know that the road would be so rocky
Little did I know that the trip would take so long
Little did I know that my heart could hurt so much
Little did I know that God is never wrong

Little did I know that love could be so powerful
Little did I know that a dream so far could go
Little did I know that God would place the right ones
Little did I know that my heart, so large, could grow

Little did I know that a dream has it’s own timing
Little did I know that this day would finally come
Little did I know that four souls would be sent to guide me
Little did I know that they would choose to call me mom

But God knew all along and He had a plan to follow
God knew all along that my dream would soon come true
God knew all along that we five should be together
God knew all along that I’d share it all with you