Yesterday was an extremely difficult day. It was one of those foster parent, adoptive parent, child is having none of it, all out, hard days. If that makes sense to you, then we are on the same page, or at least in the same book. I couldn't blog about it then, and it's hard coming now.

Olivia does well for a long time, then seems to hit a wall where one time out or consequence sends her into an all out tantrum worthy of a show called "Beyond Supernanny, What to do When You Become the Target of a Child's Previous Past." And two hours of not knowing what is coming next, trying to distract and occupy two little ones, while all of your senses are in tune to what's going on in the next room, and you're trying to let it cycle through, but you want to step in if needed to prevent hurt, and you're making a plan on the spot for the next minute or second of response to her actions and words and her plan - just. plain. is. exhausting. After two hours I felt like I needed to sleep for two days to catch up.

BUT, I knew/know where most of her anger that she builds up comes from. It's from not seeing her brother. Her bio brother she lived with and was her only source of stability for the first 3 1/2 years of her life. her link to "family." her link to her past. her trust. And she just doesn't understand, no matter how many times we discuss it and talk about it and try to work through it, that his foster/adoptive family are the ones who "called it quits" with the visits. Even when the judge ordered visits once a month or more, they didn't do it. I tried and tried and tried. Someone finally did transportation on their end from their agency for some visits, but even that wasn't consistent. I know living 3 hours away makes it hard. I get it. But they are grown adults. A two parent family. A family who took him knowing about his sister and the need for their visits. They agreed. They broke that. And then told him over and over during visits which rarely happened that it was my fault. That I wasn't returning calls.

We do well for a long time, then something like this brings it all out... again. I get so frustrated with these people.

How do you tell your daughter who asks if his family is nice that I don't think they are because of how this is affecting her? I don't. I don't want to color them in a bad light because it's her brother's family. But I also want her to know that I have done above and beyond to try to get visits for her.

How do you answer a seven year old who wants to know why God doesn't make everyone nice? I tried to explain that God loves us SO MUCH that He gave us choices. And unfortunately not everyone makes good choices.

How do you tell a little girl that there isn't a law that says they have to let her visit her brother, when she asks that question, even though you think she's right, there should be, it's not fair.

How do you answer unanswerable questions from a little girl who has had too much happen in her life to understand? I wish I knew. I muddle through.

I'm just glad that after 1 1/2 hours of tantrum, we started to work through trust. The trust that she still doesn't fully have in me as mom. The trust that is always being worked on, but will never fully be built. Maybe when she's a grown woman and has a child herself and doesn't always have answers but tries her best nonetheless. Maybe when she reads this blog as an adult and can relate somewhat. Maybe. For now, I only can ask God to lead. God to direct. God to be my words. Because I don't have them.