Monday, August 25, 2008


I have worked on this blog post for a few days now, unsure of the words to say or how to phrase it. As I still can't get the wording "just right," I decided to post anyway. Hopefully God will speak through my words to get my feelings/thoughts across in a positive way.

As you may or may not remember, I rented a PO Box so that I could give the address to Liam's birth mom. I hoped that even though I was going to be adopting him, that I could keep the lines of communication open to her to provide her with updates and pictures, and possibly even visits over the years. She was very receptive to this. She signed her rights away and I was unsure how long to go before checking the mailbox. From what I've been told (I've only met her very briefly once and have seen her twice outside the courthouse where she wouldn't even make eye contact with me), she is much like a child/teen in her thinking. She thinks that his being in the system and not being returned to her is not her fault, and she thinks that once Liam becomes 18 and a legal adult he will leave me and go to live with her.

I checked the post office box earlier last week. And there was a card.

I was both excited and happy that she is taking me up on this opportunity (I know that Liam will be so glad to know as he grows that she loves him so much) and yet I was scared and nervous at what I would find. She is "done" now. She doesn't have to answer to an agency or judge or worry about visits being lost, it's just her and I muddling through this new territory to both of us.

I opened the card which she must have somehow purchased just for him and there was a sweet note to him about how much she loves him and for him to "be good." :) There was also a folded piece of "school" paper, a note to me. It was hard to read, I have to be honest. Not because it was mean, it wasn't. Not because she was demanding anything, she wasn't. But because she referred to Liam as "my baby" (her baby) twice. It was hard. Isn't that so selfish of me!? I feel bad for even thinking that. But it felt as though she views me as babysitting for her until he's an adult. I think that's how she sees it. But, so what? So what! She is doing the best she can in this situation. This is so recent still for her and I can't imagine the pain of knowing your child will never be "yours" in the way you had hoped. He hasn't lived with her but for the first 4-5 months of his life. But she was consistent in her visits. She visited regularly, almost every week unless she was sick. I know she loves him dearly. I now must go forward, praying for her, praying for our relationship, for her and Liam's relationship, for her and God's relationship. I hope that I can be there for her and show her why I "do this", why I love her even though she may not love me so much, why I admire her for her choice to sign surrenders, why I asked to continue a relationship with her, why I "allow" her to visit Liam. I pray God softens my heart, makes it easier for me to read her letters, helps me to be there for her, uses me as a witness of His love for her. I pray...


Torina said...

What a gift for Liam and a struggle for you. It is both a treasure that he found you and a travesty that it had to be THAT way. You know what I mean? That with gaining a mom, he had to lose physical contact with his first mom. And I'm sure he'll always be her baby, even when he is 9 or 12 or 17. But even though she may get caught in time, your Liam gets to grow and flourish...with you. It is hard, isn't it? I struggle with this, too. Balancing the birth parents with our role as forever mamas. Their love for their children who are now ours and how to deal with it. It's hard. But what you are doing is important and good.


I so admire that you have even offered her this opportunity. What am amazing gift to her and Liam. It gives me an image of being willing to suffer among the least of these. let your light shine to her. Maybe one day she will see, if not Liam will anyway.

I pray you find strength.

Very sweet post. You are his Mommy and he knows he is your baby.

Brandi said...

I just finished reading "3 little words" have you read it? It made this struggle come alive for me. I'm sorry that you will have to live in it and at the same time oh so thankful that you choose to. . .not for your sake, but forsaking your ease for Liam. What a wonderful mom he has!

Love ya,

Shea said...

You are a very brave and good person. I respect you so very much for keeping the loines of communication open. I would hope someone would do that for me if I were in her shoes. You are doing the right thing, and I believe that God must be very proud to call you one of his children.

Julie said...

Lisa- It is hard to hear those words but for her- it those words are the only ones she knows. Maybe in time she will learn to let go but I kinda doubt it. The important thing is that Liam knows who his mommy is. She may never "get it" but that is okay- I can't imagine how much it hurts to be in her place. Try to keep in mind that it is just words. I know for me and G- R use to say that and then suddenly one day she started saying "our baby" and I freaked out inside!! The truth for us is that as we have joint custody but still for her to acknowledge that was huge for me so I so know what your feeling- but it is just words. G knows who her mommy is- she knows who is there for her at night when she wakes up a little scared. She knows who kisses her booboos, makes sure her babies are in the car when we leave in the morning. Those are the things that matter. It is all new right now- and Liams first mom is like you say- childlike- she is getting use to the idea that Liam isn't going to be with her. I will pray for your heart- it is tough to be where you are. :)

Wow that would be so tough, but I am glad that Liam will have the card someday.

With one of my children the contact with birth family was there at first, but dwindled and stoped after a while.

Praying for peace for you.

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I am a single mom to four amazing kids; each of whom just happen to have been adopted. The first three were adopted through foster care, and we just completed an international adoption from Haiti. Our family has grown through adoption and I am all the more blessed to know each of my children. I worship a mighty God, teach Special Ed, love bargains, and am inspired by Pinterest... come along with us for the ride!

Olivia - 14

Olivia - 14

Braeden - 11

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