I have worked on this blog post for a few days now, unsure of the words to say or how to phrase it. As I still can't get the wording "just right," I decided to post anyway. Hopefully God will speak through my words to get my feelings/thoughts across in a positive way.

As you may or may not remember, I rented a PO Box so that I could give the address to Liam's birth mom. I hoped that even though I was going to be adopting him, that I could keep the lines of communication open to her to provide her with updates and pictures, and possibly even visits over the years. She was very receptive to this. She signed her rights away and I was unsure how long to go before checking the mailbox. From what I've been told (I've only met her very briefly once and have seen her twice outside the courthouse where she wouldn't even make eye contact with me), she is much like a child/teen in her thinking. She thinks that his being in the system and not being returned to her is not her fault, and she thinks that once Liam becomes 18 and a legal adult he will leave me and go to live with her.

I checked the post office box earlier last week. And there was a card.

I was both excited and happy that she is taking me up on this opportunity (I know that Liam will be so glad to know as he grows that she loves him so much) and yet I was scared and nervous at what I would find. She is "done" now. She doesn't have to answer to an agency or judge or worry about visits being lost, it's just her and I muddling through this new territory to both of us.

I opened the card which she must have somehow purchased just for him and there was a sweet note to him about how much she loves him and for him to "be good." :) There was also a folded piece of "school" paper, a note to me. It was hard to read, I have to be honest. Not because it was mean, it wasn't. Not because she was demanding anything, she wasn't. But because she referred to Liam as "my baby" (her baby) twice. It was hard. Isn't that so selfish of me!? I feel bad for even thinking that. But it felt as though she views me as babysitting for her until he's an adult. I think that's how she sees it. But, so what? So what! She is doing the best she can in this situation. This is so recent still for her and I can't imagine the pain of knowing your child will never be "yours" in the way you had hoped. He hasn't lived with her but for the first 4-5 months of his life. But she was consistent in her visits. She visited regularly, almost every week unless she was sick. I know she loves him dearly. I now must go forward, praying for her, praying for our relationship, for her and Liam's relationship, for her and God's relationship. I hope that I can be there for her and show her why I "do this", why I love her even though she may not love me so much, why I admire her for her choice to sign surrenders, why I asked to continue a relationship with her, why I "allow" her to visit Liam. I pray God softens my heart, makes it easier for me to read her letters, helps me to be there for her, uses me as a witness of His love for her. I pray...