Have I said I love the book I'm reading Parenting Other People's Children??? :) lol Yes, that's right, I think I have. Yesterday's portion that I was able to read was especially pertaining and just what I needed. It explained what needs to happen to help these children heal. The author calls it the "Repair Cycle." And, what do you know, it's what is happening with Olivia and I, granted on a lighter scale than it would with kids with more trust issues than she has. And it's a big part of why I thought she needed therapy. Now I think we're doing ok, but I still want her to see someone else to help her process the issues about her brother. (By the way, I cancelled the original therapist appt we had and am going to get her into the specialist on attachment issues in foster/adoptive children.) :)

Basically the repair cycle goes like this:
1. Connecting Phase - connecting, bonding, attaching, sharing experiences
2. A Precipitating Incident - ends the connecting phase, meltdown over consequence, etc
3. Battle Phase - anger, misbehavior, control battles
4. Reconciliation Phase - banish our anger and return to connecting phase

What did I tell the therapist basically as to "why" I wanted Olivia in counseling? "We go for quite a while and she does really well, then it's like she hits a brick wall and we have all out he**." Luckily our "battle phase" usually only last a day or two, but I know for many, especially many in the early stages, these are often and long.

The author says that he is describing here a "technique that people who successfully repair TD (trust disorder) children universally use." And that "as repair advances the child should be spending more time in the connecting phase and less in the battling phase with each successive cycle completion."

Prior to going through the repair cycle, he explains the four "rules" that we need to follow to work with them to be able to trust us as their caretaker, their parent. They are things that we use with all children, but that with these in particular we need to make sure to follow these unfailingly.
1. Supply all their needs.
2. Be trustworthy
3. Be sure the child knows that he is trusting you (that YOU are in control)
4. Be emotionally strong
(He goes on to explain these in detail and why they are so important.)

BUT, it also makes me SO MAD to know this. SO MAD that this information is so readily available, and is available, and makes sense. Anger that I wish I could do something about, and hopefully can in that I can help other foster parents or soon to be foster or adoptive parents, understand these children and what is going on.

Mad... that as a foster parent in training attachment is touched upon so lightly. Yet nothing of serious impact was discussed, leaving the foster parent unprepared for the issues these children bring with them into the home and how to help them heal.

Mad... that this book, or a similar book, is not a mandated part of training.

But most especially angry... that had I known what I now know, Olivia's brother would probably still be with us.

He is/was the classic case of a child with a huge trust disorder. And yet, when I debated "professionals" responsible for his care: psychologists, psychiatrists, his counselor, his SAS worker, etc, none of them gave me any inkling of an idea of this as a possibility. Attachment, trust, etc, these were not even mentioned! I was told time and time again that if I just gave his meds a chance, it would allow him a little more time to think about his behavior... he is bipolar and I need to allow time for his meds to work... etc etc etc. Yet I told them time and again that NO, meds are NOT his issue or his cure. He is FULLY aware of his behavior and is using that to manipulate us in the home. Over and over I tried to get SOMEONE to HELP. To give me/us options and ideas. And I got nothing. He wasn't/isn't bipolar, he doesn't/didn't need meds. You CANNOT medicate RAD or trust disorders. You can't! And that was the problem. And that is what NO ONE even gave me an idea of. And that is what I am now beating myself up over... because he's Olivia's brother. And if I had known this information, I could have worked with him. We could have gotten through it. We would have been ok. And he would be here and she would not be missing that part of her life. If only...