Sunday, October 03, 2010

Christ's Hands, Feet, and Heart...

I'm a strong person for the most part. Almost too strong and "tough" at times. And I don't even realize it sometimes until I'm at a point of worship, when I'm bringing myself fully to God to join closer to Him, and today that was at church.

You see, maybe it's being a single parent, maybe it's dealing with what I've dealt with in my life, maybe it's all these and more, but most of the time I try to be positive, I try to be brave and strong and courageous, especially because I have three pairs of little eyes watching me. Not that there is anything at all wrong with showing vulnerability or sadness or fear. Not at all. But I think it's more that I am "holding it together" to help them, that I tend to not really face for myself how I'M doing, or how I'M coping.

At church today I cried through most of the service. I cried for peace. I cried for Olivia and for doctors who don't seem to care. I cried for God to be that safe haven. I cried for the knowledge that surrounding me were hundreds of people, hundreds of church "family", many of whom know me, some of whom know the situation we've found ourselves in since last weekend, some of whom are "friends" of mine on facebook, some of whom I contacted when we weren't going to be at church Wednesday for my small group and Olivia's worship/dance team. And yet we never received a phone call asking how we were doing. How Olivia was doing. How I was doing. Our minister for families and young children whom I contacted to inform that Olivia wouldn't be there Wed (since it's a year commitment) said she would stop by after church Wed with a gift for the kids. I kept the kids up; even Olivia who really needed sleep. She didn't come. She then messaged me at 9pm to say that she forgot about family plans and needed to be there, but would stop by Thursday night. We were here. Where else would we be though really right now? But she never came. Never called. Never emailed. And she's on our church staff.

I just don't get it. I don't go to church just to worship God. Of course that is a HUGE part of going, but to me it's also to be a part of Christ's body of believers. Being a piece of a whole, a piece where others care and show concern and are there to help if needed. I just don't understand a church where some people do know that this is going on in the lives of a single parent family, with no "family" in the area, with three children to care for, and no one even calls. That doesn't compute for me. Am I wrong? Am I silly for thinking this? It hit me hard today sitting in a service that was tailored around inviting others to church, to become a part of our body of believers and I kept thinking why. They come and then what? Does anyone really care? Maybe it's just a hard time for me right now and my vision is clouded.

Or maybe it's that I've become online friends with others who ARE Christ's hands and feet more than those sitting next to me at church, and I'VE NEVER MET THEM. Right now on Facebook there is a thread on my profile of people willing and wanting to help get that wheelchair up to us from Atlanta, GA. Women I've never met but have had the privilege to "know" through our blogs, to pray for them and their families through facebook, to get concerned responses back to some of my status updates. Women I'VE NEVER MET.

I pulled myself together once again by the end of our service this morning, having felt a closer connection to God as always, and a slight relief at letting some of the hurt and hard times be poured out in prayer to HIM. And once again I was "strong" mom to the kids. I don't want them to see how scary this is to me, I don't want them to be any more scared than they already are at the unknown of what's going on with Olivia. I want them to be confident in God and in our family. Why worry when we don't know? No, I'll just hold it together. Right.

They are getting the added benefit of being allowed much more leniency than I may normally give. After all, Braeden wore a man's tie to church today... and mom loved it and let him...


Don't get me wrong, I do have some simply amazing friends here. A few especially who have helped with the boys, provided some great and light take-your-mind-off-things reading material, offered to take the puppy, etc. They just don't attend my church. Go figure.

6 comments:

So sorry, Lisa. That is a rotten feeling. We've had times like that before and it's really hurtful. I will pray that the people near you will surround you with love and support now and in the future when you need it. I wish we lived closer to each other. :)

Hope this week gets better for everyone. Still praying for sweet Olivia.

Much love,
Amy

:)De said...

When I read your post i had to wipe tears away 'cause I could not see the screen. I so know that feeling. Sometimes the body of Christ does not see the hurting right in their midst. And it is a shame because the church should be a place to go. My daughter and I were talking about how neat it would be to meet you guys. She is worried about Olivia and wants the doctors to try harder to find what may be causing her situation.

You are my sister In Christ. If you cannot find someone who can get the chair to you, I am willing to pay for freight to get it to you. I will e-mail to to see what options are available.

Peace,
:)De

Sara said...

I am with you - completely. When N became ill, we were attending a huge church...I participated in a ladies Bible study and in MOPS...and I openly shared what we were going through...no one ever even thought to bring a meal - even though they knew we were new here, I had no family in the area, the boys were tiny....it was heartbreaking, made me feel so alone.

In retrospect, it was through that dark, dark time that I learned how to confide my fears and needs to God, to trust Him alone - because I literally had no one else. But it was a painful, lonely, long experience.

I am praying for Olivia, and for you - of course. I am going to be on the edge of my seat waiting for news on Thursday. I can also relate to the heart-gripping panic/frustration that sucks the life out of a person when doctors are unresponsive/uncaring...or just plain old idiotic.

Christie said...

Lisa,

The church should be the body of Christ. Unfortunately, a lot of churches and church-goers have never been taught what that really means.

Being in the ministry (Q is a youth pastor), never could I imagine telling someone that I would come by and never showing up. We all have things come up, but to not show up (and not call) is unexceptable.

Ministry is hard, being the hands and feet of Jesus is hard, because we'll never meet that standard...but, that doesn't mean we don't work our butts off to take care of the body.

So wish I was closer to help you. Please know that I'm praying from afar.

Love,
Christie

Lisa, my heart was breaking as I read your post. Just breaking. I am praying for Olivia. We had a situation a number of years ago when my husband had unxplained pain for over a year that kept him from functioning normally. After the usual tests, the medical community basically said "what more do you want?" It was so discouraging, and I can't imagine how you're feeling right now. I would love to help with the cost of freight for the wheelchair...please keep me posted and let me know if that is a need. You are a very special woman, Lisa, to three very special kids. I loved the pic of your son in his tie! :)

In Christ,
Teri

Hi Lisa ~ I found your Blog after reading your prayer request on Linny's blog: http://aplacecalledsimplicity.blogspot.com/
Would you send me a Friend request on Facebook. Search for KJ Moseley. I would really like to be a support in your life. I'm Praying for all of your family and for answers for Sweet Olivia!! JO

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I am a single mom to four amazing kids; each of whom just happen to have been adopted. The first three were adopted through foster care, and we just completed an international adoption from Haiti. Our family has grown through adoption and I am all the more blessed to know each of my children. I worship a mighty God, teach Special Ed, love bargains, and am inspired by Pinterest... come along with us for the ride!


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