In a not so nice email I sent last night to the cw, supervisor and regional supervisor I explained how upset I was over the cw not coming last night. I gave someone from there the deadline to call email or visit me at work by 3pm to update me on Little One's case. The supervisor called at 2:50pm, but at least he called I guess. A lot of excuses, etc, but he did tell me that they have filled out or are filling out the pre screening packet to move his case to legal screening. He said that at that point they would discuss placement options. Well, of course I was upset by the time we got to this point in the conversation, and didn't even think about the fact that when the prescreening packet is completed there is a form they have to fill out where they talk to the foster parent and have the foster parent fill it out discussing their intentions in adoption of this child. Hello, have you never gone to prescreening since you've been the supervisor??? My guess is no.

On other lines, some of my frustrations of late, I have been told by someone, actually 2 now, in the agency that the mindset of the regional supervisor is that they are "not seeking perfect parenting, they are asking for the bare minimum from a parent to return a child to them." What in the heck is "bare minimum?" I don't think parents are or should be expected to be perfect, I know I am NOT! BUT, these are parents who have in some way made it unsafe for their children to remain with them. What standards are you asking then????

Also, I found out, which I never knew, that private agencies get a heck of a lot of money to return a child to their bio parent as opposed to allowing them to be adopted. They get nowhere near as much if their rights are terminated. I am not sure about relative adoption. What kind of message is that sending to these agencies??? Wow, just floored. BUT I also have heard that some agencies, though that is still the case for them, do not put that money as their goal, leaving out the child's best interest. The agency I'm thinking of going to is like that.

I've had enough. Have you ever felt that way about something, or someone?

I've had enough of my foster care agency. It's no wonder so many don't do foster care, or do it for only a short while. I've had enough of the excuses, the cover ups, the people who don't do their jobs, the supervisors who say things will change or get better, but do nothing to help achieve that goal, the people who are there to serve and protect children, and seemingly don't.

I need to get out. I need to move to a new agency. I've known that for a while now. It's too much, too stressful. Foster care is hard enough without people within the system not doing what they need to do as a part of their job. the problem now is Girlie. I've seen her come such a long way and been through so much with her, to help her. If I transfer my foster care license, I can take Little One "with me." He has lived with me for over a year. He still would remain a case with the "old" agency and I would still have to deal with them through him, but as for me and new placements, etc it would be so much less stress. The agency I would switch to has 3 people who work there whom I already know, two from my current agency who left long ago. They are Christian based and pray every day before work. They put the child first. But Girlie, Girlie's only been with me since August. She would have to move to another foster home within my current agency. To transition once again in her short life. Maybe it would be for the best??? Maybe they could find a stay at home parent situation for her??? Maybe??? It's just so hard.

Today I gave my licensing worker a "heads up." I told her I was taking the next month to think and pray over the situation, but right now I can't see any other way. I've just had enough.

Pray for us, please.

Didn't show up!!!???

The CW who was supposed to come for a home visit tonight at 6:15pm and talk about Little One's case.

I am seeing red, this is just the topper in a long day.

I will try to post more info tomorrow.

Thanks.

Ok, Olivia, you have GOT to be kidding me!!! You out there, watch out for back packs!

Olivia's class eats a late lunch, so at the beginning of the year we were told we could/should send a small snack (preferably healthy) each day that they would have in the mornings. So each day I have given her a snack to take. She's had apples, bananas, raisins, fruit snacks - I know, not great - graham crackers, etc.

Well, yesterday we got home and my mom had had dinner ready so we would have more time with gifts. Olivia began unpacking her back pack and I said I would do it and she could go on in to eat. I took out her folder and yuck - something wet and brownish in the bottom of her bag. I asked what it was - of course she doesn't say a thing and smells it like she doesn't know - and it STUNK! So then I open the small outer pocket where she puts her snack each day, and each day she opens this to put her snack in every morning! and inside was THE MOST DISGUSTING smell and sight EVER!!! I couldn't even begin to describe, but I did take a picture that I will try to post but as the smell can't be conveyed properly it just won't be the same for you.

Anyway, there was this completely black ball looking thing with a Dole sticker on it, two open and spilled boxes of raisins and another empty wrapper. The black thing turned out to be a half eaten rotten banana - wrapped around an old apple!!!! Oh My Gosh!!! So gross! So I had Olivia go to her room for a few minutes while I took the pics and calmed down - I just couldn't believe she had done that. After dinner she had natural consequences of cleaning it up herself (and I know I'm so mean, but she used bare hands, and I even walked past as she was beginning and said that I hoped there weren't any bugs in there!!!). After quite a few Clorox wipes it was cleaner but stained and still smelled, in fact my kitchen stunk. After bed I stuck it in the wash. It's stained, and smells, but not nearly as bad. What on earth was she thinking?????!!!!!

We have it. Lots of it.

To update... last week I never did hear back from the cw regarding Little One's goal. I wanted to know what the agency's plans were/are and he never got back to me other than saying the supervisor wanted to talk to him about the case before talking with me. Yesterday he emailed to say he would like to set up a home visit - for this week - to talk over the case. Do you know how crazy this week is??? We leave for FL on Saturday and won't be back until Jan 5 or 6. Plus trying to do Christmas here before we go and everything else the holiday offers. I told him the only time I could meet would be tomorrow after swimming at 6:15 so that is when he's coming. No home visit last month and maybe he realizes he needs to do one??? :) Oh well. I did end up taking the day of court, Jan 8th, off of work. I used my last 1/2 personal day and 1/2 of my last sick day. I just feel, especially with all this run around of late, that I want to be there IN PERSON to hear what the judge says. I don't want to have to rely on the cw to tell me when he doesn't even always understand things in court himself.

My mom flew in Wednesday evening. Great flight, no one hardly in the airport. We had a night of Girlie saying shut up a lot around my mom when I wasn't around, that was fun. She becomes this different person, it's so hard to explain and understand.

Saturday morning we were heading an hour away to Olivia's cheerleading competition and then to Rock Falls to have "Christmas" with our family. When we left it was starting to snow. On the way there we realized we forgot Olivia's pompoms, and the spinach dip we had made for our get together. Once we were about 1/2 hour north we really didn't have much snow at all so the drive wasn't bad. She did great at competition. She raised her ribbon to me at the end and said with a big grin "We got fifth!" (out of five!) It was funny, she doesn't care, she's just happy to get a ribbon and trophy. Afterwards we went out to lunch and hit the road to travel another almost 2 hours to Rock Falls while the kids slept most of the way. The weather got a little worse as we made our way, but wasn't terrible and they didn't have much at all there.

We had a great weekend at my aunt and uncle's. We had our family Christmas where the kids got some great gifts and had lots of fun. Braeden and Olivia were able to go to the barn to help feed the animals which they loved. Getting them all to sleep while family was still there was hard though and I ended up going to sleep with the kids it took so long to put them to bed. the next day the kids went out to the barn again and my aunt made us a wonderful breakfast of cereal, toast, eggs, bacon, etc. It was great. We hung out for a while, then loaded the car and went to lunch at one of the best pizza places ever! We then headed back and they took great naps on the way.

Upon arriving closer to our town we were noticing more and more snow. By the time we reached home (7:10pm) we saw about 10-12 inches piled all over! I couldn't even get in the drive! I parked on the street, carried the littles in the house, my mom had to take off her shoes and walk in her socks because she has backless shoes and they wouldn't stay on in the snow! Then had to put them to bed, shovel enough to park the car and a walkway to the side door, unpack the car and try to put things away - it's still a mess! It was a long night. :)

Yesterday we had "Christmas" at our house with me giving the kids all presents from me and they opened a larger one from grandma and grandpa that they had had shipped here. They were so excited over everything (Not tons, but a little of it all, shoes, clothes, books, movies, and a few toys - we just have so much. ) but I think the hit was Girlie's gift from my parents - a whole cleaning cart full of buckets, broom, mop, brushes, vacuum, and hand held vac that works! They all want to use that and clean the house! Maybe I'll get some easy clean items that wouldn't harm them and they can really help clean with it. :) Can always use the help! :)

I received copies yesterday on my lunch hour ( I ran to get them as I was told the cw had them for me) of Little One's service plans for the past two ACRs that he has had. Those two, and this recent one, all list Unsatisfactory Progress toward bio mom's progress of returning him home. I emailed the cw and asked about this and whether he was planning on taking the case to legal screening. No response. If he does not want to discuss something, confront something, he just doesn't respond. I emailed again a little while ago. If I don't get an answer today I am calling him tomorrow. Court is January 8, he has got to have some sort of plan. Especially because the CASA worker said that the judge on this case is not one to keep on giving chance after chance, but rather wants things to move along and if no progress is being made, then he will question what the agencies' next step is going to be.

The CASA worker came over last night. I like her a lot, BUT she has never been around the system until my Little One. She is starting to see the frustrations I have felt with this cw for a long time now. We talked a little about court and she doesn't think he will return home, but then said that they will need to look at Grandma as a placement. I said that actually, no they didn't. Since he has lived with me over a year, 14 months by then, then I should legally be the first placement consideration for Little One if he is not returned home. She was surprised I was saying that and didn't know about that. I assured her it was the "law" (Not sure about law but that's what they are supposed to go by.) I told her it couldn't benefit him to leave a home, the only one he's ever known, to then be sent to live with people he's met twice in a completely new state. It would tear him apart. She said she didn't even know if I was interested in adopting him until now and had been told by the agency to not ask me that because we weren't at that point. Ok? Well, I would LOVE to keep him as a permanent part of my family I assured her!!! :)

I really really want to go to court on the 8th but just don't see how I can. It's at 11am which means I'd have to take off a whole day, not even a half, and I have 1 1/2 days left for the entire school year. Plus it's only the second day back after the holiday break. I'm SOOOOO bummed about it!!!! We'll see... maybe I will go...

I almost forgot. While we were waiting in line to see Santa today at the party, Braeden and Olivia were reviewing what it was they were going to ask him for. They are encouraged :) to ask for one special item, and then Santa always surprises with a few other of his ideas as well. Anyway, Olivia has been told about High School Musical on ice that is coming to Chicago and is excited about that or ice skates, and Braeden is addicted to Lion King right now and wants a toy with those figures. (I have all three for them already. ) :) So, when we went back to the table to open the gifts that they received after seeing Santa, Braeden opened his and said, "But I wanted a Lion King toy!" I guess he expected that -poof- his toy would be there! I explained that this toy today was just an extra gift and that now that Santa knows what they "want" he can bring it on Christmas. It was so cute. :)

Today was the Christmas party hosted by Olivia's doctors. It was really nice. When we got there, we made our way to the cookie decorating table. Olivia and Braeden each decorated a cookie and I did one for the littler kiddos. While they were busy munching away on those I went up 3 times to get food for everyone. They had pizza, chicken, mac n cheese, green beans, stuffing, cranberry sauce, rolls, and desserts. It was really good food too. They also had a table to decorate tshirts, but it was using those fabric paints which take forever to dry and I just knew that with the four kids and the gifts we were to get that the shirts and ourselves would be ruined by the time we made it to the car, so we skipped that table. After eating we went to see Santa. He and Mrs. Claus gave each child a TY bear with stocking cap, a HUGE candy bar, and a candy cane. Then they each also received a gift through Make a Wish. The gifts were great! Unfortunately Braeden received a game we already had and Girlie, I could tell through the wrap that was coming off, the EXACT doll that I had bought her and was already wrapped and under the tree! :( SO, we are giving the game to Braeden's day care class because they don't have it there and he will still be able to play/use it, and giving the doll to someone else. After coming home I gave each of them something else (I have a stockpile that is added to whenever I see really good deals.) At the party Olivia received a special Barbie with long hair which she is excited about "doing" and Little One got a very cute Eeyore that sings and waves his ears.

Olivia's leg problem hadn't shown itself again since the other night so at the party they said to just watch her. Well, spoken too soon I guess. The kids went to bed a little while ago at 7. (Only Olivia and Braeden slept at all today, and only for less than an hour on the way home from Chicago.) At 7:35, another loud thud from the girls' room. Olivia again was on the floor unable to move her legs. She seemed awake, but scared. She said she couldn't turn over in bed and was coming to tell me. I helped her back to bed and asked if her legs hurt or tingled at all. She said they didn't. She got back to sleep ok.

It's freaky. I almost wonder if it's not a different way her body is processing being tired, stressed, whatever. Last year it was mid January when some major sleep walking began with her. When school was out, no more sleep walking. Could this be her "new thing" or is something else going on????????????? I'll call in the morning and see if they want to see her at clinic. Maybe we could get a 1pm or so time on Tuesday and I could take a half day. I have 1 1/2 days left for the whole school year. :( BUT, I want to do whatever needs to be done, regardless. If I use more (and I'm sure I will) then I use more and rework the budget. AFter Christmas I've already talked to her about dropping one of her activities and seeing if that helps at all, maybe even two. Right now she does cheerleading, swimming, and gymnastics. With all day school, maybe it's just too much for her. I'd like to continue swimming because we're around water a lot, especially going to FL twice or so a year. Maybe cheerleading. Then we'll see if it needs to be more.

Well, I had the meeting yesterday with the agency supervisor who was the one to talk about O's wish, and with his supervisor, a woman I've not yet met. I came prepared with multiple emails, complaints, etc just because I did not know whether we were strictly there to meet over the incident at the family meeting, or if they would bring up anything else themselves and I wanted to be ready. They didn't, so I didn't use any of the info I had and that was fine with me.

The regional supervisor started by asking who would like to begin. I was not going to start this conversation as he had still not contacted me at all to apologize or anything. He began by basically trying to get out of it and saying that he didn't say anything about the wish except to let mom know he would be going out of town and wasn't sure why the cw did say more. I said, Oh no, wait a minute. And I told them exactly what was said, when and how. The reg. Sup. tried to get them off the hook I guess by saying that when there are out of state trips they always speak with the bio parents to let them know, etc. I said, There is NO TRIP. The only thing that was asked was to be able to give Make a Wish his birth certificate IN CASE she wished for a trip. She DIDN'T and I said that right at the beginning of that conversation. I made it very clear that they DID NOT need to and SHOULD NOT have even mentioned the words Make a Wish.

I then reiterated that the cw said Lisa's ADOPTED DAUGHTER, etc and that that shouldn't have even been said. It just floored me that even at this point they were trying to get around what was said and what actually happened. I told them my biggest concern right now is that we are going forward with allowing publicity and that she may learn our last name through this and who knows what the future will hold for Little One. She said she understood and that my having an unlisted no. will help. Oh thanks.

She also said, which I have not written about, that IL is changing how they want foster and bio parents relationships to be. I just read about these so called changes in the last foster newsletter I received. They spoke of the ideal of bio parents going to foster parents homes and basically co-parenting with regards to homework and bath time and bed time, holidays etc. While I think that would be wonderful with the right, willing, cooperative, safe, bio parents. I have yet to have any of that kind of parent with my foster children. I have met Girlie's mom for her birthday at McDonalds and that was fine. I would do other things with her similarly. I have agreed to call and have Little One's bio mom come to his doctor appts, but not in my home. Not when I barely if at all really know these people. Not when I am a single woman with 4 small children. Not when I know a lot of the things these parents have done and are into. I wish I could put all my trust that God would guide through these situations and I would help bio moms by mentoring or whatever, but with the ones I've had thus far I don't see it happening.

To update on Little One, he has lived here with us since Nov 2 2006. He was in care about 4 months prior to that in another foster home, that was not a good situation and why he ended up with me. Here it's usually around 18 months that a decision of permanency is supposed to be made. The day I met for the family meeting, they had his ACR and I received the service plan, my part, that evening. It stated that mom's progress was unsatisfactory. I do not have copies of his last two ACRs but have asked the cw for them. A friend who was a cw has told me that if she has more than 2 unsatisfactories, then they should be looking at taking the case to legal screening ( the first step in the termination process ). The service plan also stated, under the question of whether or not the child was residing with family, that the maternal grandmother lives in Alabama and is a potential adoptive placement if/when the mother fails to gain him back. My heart was racing. This has been my fear since I first heard of grandma and her guardianship of Little One's 4 year old brother this past summer.

During the summer they had talked of possibly granting her guardianship of Little One as well, but then it didn't happen for some reason. The ONLY reason I even knew of this was from the CASA worker, not the cw. So, when the cw came in after I read the service plan and bio mom was not there yet, I asked about the "future" with grandma. He said that at one point there was talk of guardianship but that that was no longer an option. He said it was either return home or adoption. Then he asked me how long I've had him. Technically here if you have fostered a child over a year, then you have first right at adoption over any family if they are not returned home. I'm hoping they stick with that, because I'm pretty sure that at this point he is not returning. Why on earth they would want her to start going to doctor visits now is beyond me. We'll see... My prayers are just for his best. If he can return home to a safe, loving environment, great, if not, I do not think it in his best interest to live with a grandma, family or not, that he has met twice in his life for an hour each. I think at that point he needs to remain a part of our family.

Well, Olivia's doctors called back this afternoon. They want me to watch her. If "it" happens again before Sunday, they want us to come into clinic next week. If it doesn't, we are going to a Christmas party with the staff there on Sunday. (They are having a Santa from Make a Wish and took all my kids' ages, etc. Should be fun!) They said they will watch her there on Sunday and decide from that I guess if we should come in, if she hasn't had another "episode" prior. Otherwise we will just need to keep a close eye. So, we watch...

Something is going on with Olivia but I'm not sure what. Twice over Thanksgiving break she had "episodes" where she couldn't walk or support herself on her legs. Both times she had been sleeping, she was EXTREMELY tired, and wasn't feeling well. I wrote it off as exhaustion and thought I'd just watch. She has occasionally complained of leg pain prior to that, but nothing big. Last night, a normal night, bedtime at 7, about an hour after going to bed, I heard a huge thump up in her room. She was calling out for me. When I got to the room she was on the floor saying she couldn't walk. She said she tried to get out of bed but couldn't stand. I tried supporting her but she could barely stand, it was all me holding her up. She has been scared of this obviously during these times. I wondered if she was half sleep walking, but wasn't sure. I carried her to bed and she got to sleep ok finally and was fine this morning. After dropping the kids off I asked her if she remembered last night and she did. I asked if she was awake and getting up or didn't remember actually getting up. She said she was awake and was coming to tell me she couldn't get to sleep, but when she tried to get out of bed she couldn't stand. I called her doctors in Chicago this morning, well her RN. She was going to consult with her doctors today and get back to me. No word yet.

This is off of another blog, and my mind is not too cluttered, thank goodness! :)

Your Mind is 42% Cluttered

Your mind is starting to get cluttered, and as a result, it's a little harder for you to keep focused. Try to let go of your pettiest worries and concerns. The worrying is worse than the actual problems!

Little One had a case review yesterday. They have these every six months. I was unable to go to his last one as it was when we were in FL. I really wanted to be at this one to hear what's going on in his case and if they discussed the possibility of Grandma as a placement, but it was scheduled for 11am. To get a half day off from work, it is up to or from 12 noon. I didn't really have a way to take a half day with the time of the meeting but wanted to be there. They have been saying they were going to schedule a family meeting, (where the bio, foster, cw get together) soon but hadn't. I have NEVER had a family meeting for ANY foster child in fact, but these are supposed to be done every three months. So we set up a family meeting for yesterday afternoon and I took a half day. I also had a TB test for Girlie scheduled after that.

Anyway, it was very interesting, meeting the bio mom of the child I've been caring for for the past 13 months. After coming in the cw quickly intro'd us as he was still getting things together. She said "I just can't wait to get him back." and then we sat in the most uncomfortable silence ever! Seemed like forever even though it was only about 2 minutes. We had our meeting. She said I needed to put more lotion on him and wanted to know why he was being targeted with biting - he's not, he bites too and all in his room are "doing it" on occasion. I explained it was a developmental stage and that frustration and lack of communication skills make for some biting. She also wants to be included on all doctor visits. I was just listening and trying to be positive. I was glad to meet the person who gave birth to this special child. I love him so much, but how can you tell that to someone who sees you as the bad guy. She has said so much about me at past visits, etc and I know it's hard to know someone else is raising your child I can't imagine. But I wish she would have asked what he's like at "home." What makes him laugh, what makes him mad, what does he play with, who does he play with, where does he go, but she didn't. It makes me sad. I could tell actually that she wanted to say a lot more about what I was "doing wrong" but didn't. I guess I should be glad she didn't. It ended amicably and I told her I was glad to have finally met her. She seemed to feel the same.

BUT - during the visits I was outraged and couldn't believe it when they supervisor, who was present over the phone, asked the cw to talk about the "make a wish thing." WHAT???!!! I tried to staunch the discussion by saying "she" wasn't wishing for a trip and push it aside, but he continued. The cw said to the bio mom of my foster son that "Lisa's adopted daughter has been granted a wish through the Make a Wish foundation, so (Little One) will be able to benefit from that too." Word for word. I about died. I didn't want to go into it right then because to me that would just call more attention to it for the mom, but are you serious!? What right does she have to know anything about that. That was a complete breach of confidentiality and completely unprofessional!

Needless to say as soon as I returned home that evening and the kids were tucked away in bed, it boiled over in me. I sent an email, not raging but really stating how I felt about this situation and that it was completely wrong. I sent it to the supervisor, his supervisor, and her supervisor. The local office supervisor, who was at fault, sent me a two sentence email asking me to call him so that he could talk with me. I don't think so. I feel like he should call me. Then a little later I received an email from his supervisor apologizing for the incident and stating that she had tried calling my home number twice and the voice mail wasn't working right, but she would really like to meet with me about this. She said that she would be in town on Friday and asked if we could meet at 3 or 5pm. I responded that Little One's CASA worker was coming for a visit at 4:30 but that I would try to reschedule to meet with her at 5 since I am not off work until at least 3:20.

I just spoke with CASA and we pushed her visit back to 6:30, which means a late evening for the kids, but since it's Friday it'll be fine. I'm glad that the regional supervisor responded quickly and wants to meet, but really what can be done? I guess all I would like is for the office supervisor to acknowledge he shouldn't have said that, and that IF bio mom would want him moved due to this, that they will not allow that and will talk to her about the situation if it's needed. What else can you do? You can't take that back. And yes, possibly this info will be publicized locally, but if so that is our business to allow that. Not to mention that if it is now publicized and IF bio mom sees it, she will then know our last name. I doubt my picture would be or have been associated with the publicity, and she never would have connected me to this little girl. Now she will IF she were to see an article or something, which she may not. It's just a lot to think about and take in. I know I'm rambling, sorry, it's just hard to even think through all the aspects on this.

As I sit here at the computer catching up on a few things, the kids are behind me playing what has to be the funniest thing they've done in a while. Did you know that Mary and baby Jesus ate Thanksgiving dinner with their friends. Baby Jesus of course needed to use the high chair, so Girlie's baby was without. They had a wonderful feast of turkey and banana splits and were in high spirits throughout! :) Unfortunately Little One woke up not feeling well today, which is why we're skipping church this morning. He vasilates between playing with the kids and sitting in my lap. Oh, now the scene has switched and Olivia is getting baby Jesus ready for Halloween. He's going to be a pirate! He sure looks cute! LOL!!!!