Thursday, June 21, 2007

An Answer... I guess

To answer, the best I can, to the comment,
"...how attached are you to Little One? I cannot imagine having a child (even with the problems it seems Little One might have) for 8+ months and then going through the separation. How do you handle this emotionally? "

You are so right. It is hard. It helps, I guess, in a weird sort of way, to know that Olivia and Braeden are "permanent." I tell myself over and over that I am Little One's foster mother. That doesn't stop me from bonding. From feeling very much like his mom, not foster mother. From going to him in the middle of the night when he is crying. From comforting his fears, his anger, his sadness. From feeling overly protective with regards to visits. With regards to the agency seeing him as another "case." With regards to his future.

I want what is best. I know in my heart that if he can be with biological family, he "should" be. But the unknown is scary. The unknown people, situations, etc. The stories heard of other children returned to "family" and then seriously injured or killed. But there are success stories too. Many. I know this, but it isn't easy. And while I will definately grieve if he leaves, I worry most about the ones who have no say in this. Little One himself. And Olivia and Braeden. They didn't "ask" to be a part of this ride. They didn't have a choice.

Any move for Little One, whether to mom whom he visits weekly, or to Grandma whom he's seen once, whether a good or not so good placement, will be hard. He already has attachment issues. Moving again after being in our stable placement, for what it is, will be rough. And Olivia and Braeden, who have a "little brother" will grieve. I talk to them about it, We talk about taking care of him while his family works on helping themselves to take better care of him, we talk about his possible leaving. But how much of that can a 3 and 5 year old really understand??? They, Little One, Olivia, and Braeden, are who I worry about for this outcome. I knew going into foster care, I knew accepting placements, that there is a potential for "losing" this child, I knew what I was getting into, they didn't.

One of the hardest things, is that when he was first placed with me, actually even before that when I only knew of him as a possible placement, the current cw at the time said that she was almost positive he would not go home and that he would be a possibility for adoption. That has been at the back of my mind. I've contemplated names for him. We call him his given name followed by a name I would choose for him were he "mine." Before this news of grandma, I was under the impression that we were trying for return to mom, that that most likely would not happen, and that I would then be able to adopt. And while nothing is guaranteed in this maze of a system, that has been in the back of my mind. I tried to put it out of my mind. I know what happens all the time when cw say one thing and then something else happens. I know, yet how do you cut off hope? How do you put up the kind of wall to keep out feelings of being a mom to this little one? You can't. You can only do your best, one day at a time, and pray that God makes the decisions that are "right" for this little love. I pray. I worry. I grieve when it turns out different from what I think it should be. I try to just do my best.

I hope that helps shed some light. It's a hard question. :)

2 comments:

Julie said...

Ugh- so hard- it is just so hard- hang in there- your doing a great job- that is all you can do-one day at a time!!

Hang in there. You are a strong woman. We had a situation where the social worker told us from day 1 that our little G would not go home and we would get to adopt her. Unfortunately, we were naive and new to foster care and took her words hook, line & sinker. Needless to say, birth mom and her lawyers lied their way thru the court system and G was given to bm's friends for adoption immediately after she got custody back. And we're supposed to believe that wasn't in the plan the whole time. Yeah right! Keep your chin up

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I am a single mom to four amazing kids; each of whom just happen to have been adopted. The first three were adopted through foster care, and we just completed an international adoption from Haiti. Our family has grown through adoption and I am all the more blessed to know each of my children. I worship a mighty God, teach Special Ed, love bargains, and am inspired by Pinterest... come along with us for the ride!


Olivia - 14

Olivia - 14

Braeden - 11

Braeden - 11

Liam - 9

Liam - 9

Macy - 5

Macy - 5

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Little Did I Know

Little did I know that the road would be so rocky
Little did I know that the trip would take so long
Little did I know that my heart could hurt so much
Little did I know that God is never wrong

Little did I know that love could be so powerful
Little did I know that a dream so far could go
Little did I know that God would place the right ones
Little did I know that my heart, so large, could grow

Little did I know that a dream has it’s own timing
Little did I know that this day would finally come
Little did I know that four souls would be sent to guide me
Little did I know that they would choose to call me mom

But God knew all along and He had a plan to follow
God knew all along that my dream would soon come true
God knew all along that we five should be together
God knew all along that I’d share it all with you