Sunday, July 24, 2011
Weather...
is not always our friend...
We had a great (and free) trip planned this weekend. Still worked out just fine, but not quite as we originally planned. But aren't some of life's finest moments just that way?
I had a free hotel night with some points that I needed to use soon. We booked a night near Chicago and close to some good friends we haven't seen in a while. The 8 of us had a great night swimming and talking at the hotel before I herded the kids into bed! :)
(Liam's new vest I bought for swimming so my nerves aren't quite on edge as usual lately.)
Saturday we had planned to use our season passes at Six Flags and go to the water park which we hadn't done yet. Mind you, it has been HOT and rainless for weeks. We had originally planned to go last weekend, but previously in the week there had been a HUGE power outage and some of the park was still without power, so this weekend it was. And Friday night it decided to THUNDERSTORM! I was dreading the day as I heard the loud noise through the night. (Not much sleep while watching Liam... he's had a number of seizures at night following swimming... crazy...)
Saturday morning brought cool temps, drizzling rain, and sunless skies. But we put on our brave faces and went anyway, leaving the towels in the van and deciding to skip the water park. Instead we went to three shows we hadn't seen and some rides. And we had lots of fun!!!
The weather became warm and sunny as the day went on.
Look who found herself on stage in a kids' game show!
Pretty much sums up the good day we had...
Friday, July 22, 2011
Invincibility
We live in a culture of "invincibility thinking." Or... "It's not going to happen to me." "I'm not going to get hurt." "I'll be just fine." ... Etc.
There may be break through moments of reality where you see the true humanness of each of us. Red blood running down a child's leg after they fall from their bike. An elderly relative who passes away. A day of the 24 hour flu. But... each of those fleetingly passes by our consciousness. The leg wound get cleaned up, bandaged, and is all better in no time. The relative is near that age where people do pass away, and although sad, it "fits". They are sorely missed, but soon we are back to our norm. The feelings during the day of flu fun are deep, but they are forgotten as the flu subsides as quickly as it came.
Recently I set up our new crib in my bedroom. I know that when our new little one finally does come home, we will spend weeks and months working on bonding and attachment. One way we're going to facilitate that bond is by having her sleep in my room. I set up the crib as a day bed and will be pushing it up against my bed so that I am right there if she has trouble during the night.
I set it up early though. Because it's now Liam's bed; at least currently. I am now daily, hourly, sometimes by the minute, reminded of our mortality. Of the lack of "control" we really have as to what happens to us, as if I ever really had control before anyway. I am reminded every time Liam is quiet for even a few seconds in the car and I have to turn around to be sure he's not having a seizure. I'm reminded when my heart RACES every time he seems to be having one, when his eyes stare just a little too long without blinking, when I hear a funny sound from him, when he doesn't answer me when I call, and when I finally realize he's ok. And I'm thankful for those "ok's" because I know that sometime soon it won't be ok, it will be another seizure.
In our van Liam sits in the row behind me and just to the right. I am CONSTANTLY looking back on him. When we go to a movie he stares, a lot, and I will ask him what he thinks, or give him a tickle, to be sure he's ok. At night I check him when I go to bed. I check him when I hear a funny sound and/or no movement (if he's moving anything I know he's not having a seizure). I worry if he's not around for a couple of minutes. I worry when I see him asleep like this...
It's constant worry. Constant reminder of what "could be".
And yet, too, I know that this isn't much compared to what many families endure. Are enduring. And I have even more sympathy for them than I ever was able to before. And I pray for them. For us. For any parent having to go through watching their child go through something that we just can't control, can't help, can only watch and be there for.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Being Real
Showers
Showers are hard for me as an adoptive parent.
Well, I take that back.
As a foster-adoptive parent.
Things MAY have been very different if my adoptions took place in a more "traditional" manner so to speak.
When my first adoption happened, all three of my children were already living with me. Braeden's was first. He had already been with me for over two years. I know for people on "the outside", they saw him as mine already.
I do get it.
The actual day of adoption wasn't that "big" of a deal - to them. It was merely a formality, the child lives with you, is clothed and comforted and disciplined and celebrated and PARENTED by you. They're "yours." But as a foster parent, you are "told" time and again, maybe not in so many words, but still, over and over you are shown that you are NOT their parent.
A trip 30 minutes away, but over a silly state line, requires forms, signatures, permissions.
Enrollment in a day care means having said day care "ok'd" and approved. And more forms and paperwork for the state to cover payment.
Paperwork at all requires you write their given name, and that doesn't include your last name, and sometimes this gets you looks or questions.
A trip to the hospital often results in hours of waiting simply because the test they want to perform requires approval by the state first since the state, not you, is the primary guardian.
Even a simple haircut requires consent from the birth parents.
No matter how much you love them.
No matter how many hours you have spent at their bedside.
No matter how many times you've been yelled at or taken the brunt of a tantrum or spoken in love when you've wanted to scream.
You. Aren't. Their. Legal. Parent.
And that day of adoption means the WORLD.
And it often goes unnoticed by most others around you.
And it usually means no "baby" shower.
No fanfare.
No special recognition.
Except in the adoption world.
With others who "get it."
And sometimes, sometimes baby showers are hard to attend.
It's hard to realize you've never had that.
That special feeling of awaiting a child,
of being honored,
of being loved and cared for in such a way.
Hard to watch as others receive gifts that you had to buy yourself
(sounds so silly really, so materialistic, but it's more about the idea behind the gifts I think).
Not sure why this has hit me hard this week, but I find myself grieving for some of the "traditions" with having a child.
As I await news on a new little one who is available for adoption...
as I get more and more impatient with the "when" of knowing who our new addition will be...
I look at others who are expecting...
their expectation visible, physical...
I wear my necklace often, but many giggle at it, don't fully comprehend...
There are no congratulations as there would be with an enlarged stomach proclaiming an upcoming arrival...
And the excitement withers a bit.
Waiting is hard.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Practice?
Braeden was full of cuteness yesterday!
First he and Olivia were coloring.
Braeden is into making "lists" and he was making one of the places he'd like to visit.
His list included some GREAT locations...
Antarctica
New York
Africa
...and 10 others...
It was one of the others that showed me this was truly Braeden's list and no one else's.
Passamaquoddy
I LOVE that he even remembered that to put it on there!
I'm sure it would be a GREAT place to visit:
water
charm
white picket fences
lighthouse
Anyone know the reference? :)
Later we headed to our local Super KM**t store to pick up some groceries.
Braeden and Olivia recently got their allowance
(and of course it was burning the ever proverbial HOLE)
and brought it with "just in case."
If you have one and haven't been recently,
they have been doing some major clearance on toys!
After showing Braeden some GREAT Star War*s walkie talkies that were marked down to $3.99, and an amazing Erector set marked at $3.99...
THIS is what he ended up buying!
Oh yes he did!
(I did grab two of the Erector sets on the sly for him or others as gifts down the road.)
He thinks they're "peach" colored which cracks me up.
He went to bed with them and sang them a lullaby.
And he's played with them a bit today.
SO cute!
What a wonderful father he will be!
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Olivia - 14
Braeden - 11
Liam - 9
Macy - 5
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