Attachment is a huge thing in adopting children. Usually we think of issues with attachment as only being a subject relating to children who are older when they are adopted. Often it conjurs images in those who haven't been around "these children" much of beaten, terribly treated children who haven't been given enough love. Love will cure all, right? Put them into a loving home and they will be "normal" in no time. Not in these circumstances. Yes, love will give any child a home. Love is what we, as adoptive parents turn to when reason and patience and understanding fly out the window in the midst of some of these "issues." Love, unfortunately, is not always "enough" to change the behaviors, the learned survival behaviors in some of our children.

This is a difficult topic to touch upon, but it's an important one. One that many shy away from. But you need to know and try to understand. My former foster daughter "Girlie" was one of those considered at the far end of attachment. Reactive Attachment Disorder, RAD, has already been batted around even though she is still young for an official diagnosis. While I saw the signs, and recognized the amount of work she is/was/will be 24/7, it was still a hard decision to not "keep" her. And I hear comments from friends and family about how cute she is, how love and stability would even things out, and I think of how they don't understand and haven't been around older children with these issues. In young children, RAD is managable, in older children it can mean daily calls from school, bullying, stealing, jail... I wish people did understand. Many, Many, Many children are adopted and then given up in disrupted adoptions due to attachment and then having the children reaching adolescence. Many.

Attachment issues are not just found in children having been in 20 or more placements, or children having been adopted as teens. I have a friend who adopted an infant who has RAD. He did not receive the amount of nutrition or care he needed IN THE WOMB. From the time children are conceived they are forming attachments, building trust in the world. But for children brought into hard situations, to parents not knowing fully how to parent and not finding out, to relatives who are no better and sometimes worse, to having their needs go unmet day after day, etc. These children have a hard time forming attachments.

Yesterday my friend J and I went to a foster parent training. Can you guess what it was on? :) It was a great day. One of our two trainers is one of about 3-4 specialists in RAD in Illinois. While most of what we discussed J and I already had read up on, researched, etc it was great information and nice to be able to discuss some of these issues. One topic of conversation however I found incredibly relevant and eyeopening.

For quite a while I have thought Olivia had some processing issues. I thought maybe they just weren't noticing it yet at school but that it would be only a matter of time. I had talked to her doctors about having her evaluated by a neuropsychologist. Often when I am talking to Olivia she completely mishears or misinterprets what I've said. Many times she has heard something completely negative and immediately had a 30 min or more all out tantrum over it, even though that wasn't what was said. For example, one time in FL I explained to the kids who were going to lunch with grandpa, that they should be on their best behavior and that after lunch we would go swimming if they had done well with him at lunch. She heard "You are not going swimming." and immediately started a tantrum which lasted quite a while.

Yesterday the RAD specialist gave this exact thing as an example of how children with attachment issues perceive things their parents say. They will always seek to pull out the negative, even if it's not even there in the statement. Wow. In addition, bedwetting is a huge area of control for many with attachment problems. Olivia wets the bed every single night. Every night for the past 3 1/2 years she's lived with us. I've thought for a while that Olivia has had some attachment issues, I don't know what foster child who is somewhat older doesn't, but hadn't put her perceptions of my dialogue into that area of inspection. She is my one who is happy as pie to go to a sitter's or have a sitter over or spend time with others, where they boys will sometimes be sad or just huggy for a few min before I leave. Olivia says goodbye and hugs me, but because she's learned that that is what people do when others leave. It all makes so much more sense now that I've put it together with the rest and discussed this more with others "in the know".

Do you wonder where my comments have disappeared to from your own blogs?? I'm reading them! I'm keeping up with all of them! I love the posts and have millions of comments running around in my head! :) So, where have all my comments gone?

Well...

You see I'm a teacher. And my school district has blocked all blog access on our network internet, in the safety of the children you know. And last year I had figured out a "backdoor" way to be able to read and post on blogs no problem. This year we have all new computers (I "have" an awesome!!! new MacBook) and we have wireless internet and the network has changed. So no more backdoor. The wireless internet is great right now because I have a student teacher and "need" to be out of the classroom most of the day while she is in charge. Such a strange feeling. But finding things to do - not so easy. I mean come on, you can only look up ideas online for bulletin boards, lessons, art projects, etc for so long. As much as I love computers and the internet, I can't do that all day.

So... I discovered my newest addiction (in a good way) - Google Reader!!! Our network doesn't recognize that as a blog, so I added in all my blog addresses and it notifies me everytime there is a new post so that I can read it and keep up with the goings on. BUT, I can't comment. :( So the comments are there in my head and there are times at night while I'm online at home that I think to go and comment, but not as often as usual. Sorry!!!! :)

I received a call a little while ago from a very good friend of mine. She was calling about a family who are good friends to us both. While I lived back in my hometown, until I left about 10 years ago, I was close with their family. There are three girls a little younger than I who became great friends and I spent lots of time with them, their parents, and extended family as well. I went to different family events and cookouts and did a lot with them. They are extremely special people to me and to God.

Today my friend was watching the daughter of one of the three girls from this family. She is the first and only grandchild of these wonderful people, and the father watched her during the day. He wasn't feeling well so my friend was watching her today. His wife returned from work to find him passed away. They are still not completely certain of the cause.

I am in shock. He wasn't that old and I always loved how he was so excited to see the kids when I would bring them to visit. (It wasn't as often as I wish it could have been.) He was a wonderful father, husband, grandfather, father in law, and friend. He will be greatly missed.

I'm trying to figure out how I can attend the funeral. It sounds like it's going to be on Monday, possibly around 10? If so, I'm thinking maybe I can drop off Olivia at a friends' and the boys at day care, early and get there by 10. (It's about 2 1/2 hours away.) Then be back by 6 to pick up the boys??? Probably. It's worth it. It's times like these that I wish I had a little car as well as the "bus." Maybe I'll look into that at some point.

Please keep this family in your thoughts and prayers during this time!

Update on the water issue, called a sewer company I was referred to. They came out yesterday, knew the house as they've worked on it many times throughout the past, flushed the line of roots, kept the walls clean which my last sewer people did NOT, and charged a lot less as well! They said they'd probably need to come once a year but that that should take care of it. I was gearing up to get estimates on removing my two beautiful trees in the front yard, now I can keep them! :) Yay!