Many people rule their lives it seems by always having to "be right."  They have to have the final say, can't open their mind to other points of view, choose not to look into another idea or solution, and will defend their concept or position to the death.

I admit that at times I can get caught up in that as much as anyone.  But I like to think that for the most part that is NOT how I choose to function.  Does that mean I won't defend myself if I believe that I'm on the right track with a student or that I will "back down" if a certain 14 year old doesn't remember that she was asked three times to do something that still has not been done, no. :)  But I always try to see others' perspectives, their way of looking at a problem, another way to complete a job or view a solution or see our world.

Being right can also be a tough place for many.  I am positive there are times that people find out information and then wish with all they have that they WEREN'T right.  When the crew on the Titantic realized that the unsinkable ship was going down and they needed to begin evacuation, there were many who still disagreed.  Many who would not listen, would not, could not, dare to believe that this majestic boat was really sinkable.  But those who began to help passengers to safety were right.  The Titanic WAS sinking, and as much as they most likely wished to be wrong, they were right.

Friday I took Olivia to meet with a neurologist at the same hospital we've been going to, to help look at getting answers to what has been, and is, going on with her.  The neurologist looked over all of the tests that were done and spoke with one of the doctors we've been working with.  This doctor, like the others, still doesn't want to admit that her recent episode is in any way related to Olivia's hospitalization over the summer.  Even though she had the exact same symptoms.  Even though she's never been through anything like this any other time.  Even though both times it took a spinal tap to end those symptoms.

And I'm pretty sure I know why.  I'm pretty sure I know what she has. 

This most recent appointment?  The doctor did at least confirm that this is something REAL.  That whatever is happening is NOT just "in her head."  So that's a positive.  However, she's still guessing at what it could be.  She gave us a possibility and asked me to research it at home.  Recommended we still move forward with our referral to the other hospital in April (WE WILL BE).  And dismissed, just like the other doctors, the condition that I think Olivia has.  Dismissed it because of ONE factor.  One factor that I had read does not have to be at the number that these doctors do.  Because Olivia's "number" was the high end but "normal".  And yet the guess she gave me... does not hardly fit AT ALL. 



Do I WANT to "be right?"  NO!  Believe me, this is NOT about being right.  I do NOT wish to be "right" on this.  If I thought in the least that this doctor's recommendation was spot on... I'd run with it.  Because what she thinks... no big deal.  Managable.  Common.  Treatable.  What I think it is... what I'm pretty darn SURE it is... Not easily managable.  Rare.  Hard to treat with some patients.  But it fits.  And I don't WANT to just jump onto another diagnosis because it was given by a doctor, or because it's "better".

Because I don't WANT to be right. 
But I know I am.
And I wait and watch and hope that Olivia doesn't relapse before SOMEone helps us.  Before SOME doctor is willing to look seriously at this and provide a strong plan and treatment.
And my days and nights are spent trying not to worry.  Trying to distract myself as much as I can.  And trying to find something else it could be so that I'm NOT right.