Monday, December 14, 2015

The Hard

Tonight was a hard night. Not hard the way some nights are hard, with high anxiety running rampant in one of my kiddos causing extreme stress and impulsive anger and frustration. Not hard with children having horrible, scary, unexplained seizures. Not hard like finding your child unconscious on the floor of their room, though those and more have and will continue to happen. 

Hard. As in adoptive family heartbreak hard. Hard enough to break a heart into a million shattered pieces. Where you as the parent, the stable force you are supposed to be, have to fight to keep your composure. And try in any way possible not to break in front of them. 

Macy continues to be an amazing force in our lives. She pushes five year old boundaries and knows where her brothers' buttons are weakest. But beyond this, these normal mile markers of youth, she is thriving. She remains 'all in' in every way. Macy's infectious smile permeates the day.  

As we were listening to music on my phone this evening in the kitchen while working on dinner, a song I listened to often during her adoption came on. 

I told Macy how I listened to that song a lot while we waited for her to come live with us. That we thought about her and prayed for her, that we missed and loved her, that it was so hard to wait sometimes. 

She smiled and said "It was a long time!" I said yes and thought we were having a great conversation and then she says... "I didn't want to come here." I said, "You didn't?" She said no and I was thinking... ok you didn't, you were scared, that's normal. 

Then I asked are you glad you're here now? Do you want to be here now? She said no. Nope, she doesn't want to be here, as she's smiling. And don't think she doesn't know what I was asking. She did. She does. She said she wants to live with her house mom.

Believe me, I get it. I do. I'm incredibly grateful she was so well loved. She owes me nothing. I pulled her out of a loving home. The one she has always known, always loved, always counted on. I know she loves us. I know. But my heart is hurting.  My heart has loved her longer than she ever even knew of us. We have been with her six months this week. Such a short time in her five years.  And hearts are incredibly weak aren't they? Easily broken. With long memories. They like to loop conversations such as these over and over in your head.

So so hard.  


maureen said...

Oh Lisa, my heart breaks for you. You are such a great Mama!! Loving children from hard places can be so hard on our own fragile hearts. But you are strong, and someday you will both look back at this time and you'll feel like it was all worth it!! I will continue to pray for you and your family. Merry Christmas to you!

This breaks my heart for you. Its so hard... I don't even have the right words - Ive been there but even I cant explain it all away. Ill be thinking of you all this week. Hang in there, you are doing a great job!

I, too, have thought about how the kids will feel leaving their house mom. She loves them so well. But, we can give them forever family support. We can guide them through young adulthood. We can help them with their own children. We are here for the long haul.

Love you,

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About Me

I am a single mom to four amazing kids; each of whom just happen to have been adopted. The first three were adopted through foster care, and we just completed an international adoption from Haiti. Our family has grown through adoption and I am all the more blessed to know each of my children. I worship a mighty God, teach Special Ed, love bargains, and am inspired by Pinterest... come along with us for the ride!

Olivia - 14

Olivia - 14

Braeden - 11

Braeden - 11

Liam - 9

Liam - 9

Macy - 5

Macy - 5

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What you should know about HIV

-HIV can NOT be spread through casual/household contact. HIV is not spread through hugging, kissing, shaking hands, sharing toys, sneezing, coughing, sharing food, sharing drinks, bathing, swimming or any other casual way. It has been proven that HIV and AIDS can only be spread through sexual contact, birth, breastfeeding and blood to blood contact (such as sharing needles). - HIV is now considered a chronic but manageable disease. With treatment, people who are HIV+ can live indefinitely without developing AIDS and can live long and full lives. - People who are HIV+ deserve to be treated with love, respect, support and acceptance as all people do. Additional information on transmission of HIV can be found on the Center for Disease Control website:

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Little did I know that the road would be so rocky
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Little did I know that my heart, so large, could grow

Little did I know that a dream has it’s own timing
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Little did I know that they would choose to call me mom

But God knew all along and He had a plan to follow
God knew all along that my dream would soon come true
God knew all along that we five should be together
God knew all along that I’d share it all with you