Wednesday, December 16, 2015
Holidays
It must be the holidays. I'm not sure what else it could be at this point. What brings about some major hard feelings and incredible vulnerability.
If you're in the adoption community, if you've adopted or have friends who have adopted maybe you know what holidays sometimes bring in our kids from hard places. We don't always view a lot of that around here, or at least haven't for a while, and for that I'm glad. But when it cones it hits hard and fast. And coming the two nights following the night I had Monday with Macy's revelation... Man, I'm ready for a break. Of every kind.
I joke with friends about how there should be an ice cream truck that comes around after kids are in bed. For adults only. Maybe it will have a special frequency that is picked up by just our cell phones so children don't wake from their slumber!! How amazing!!! I think I would've gained fifty pounds though these three nights.
Last night my 14 year old and I had a huge falling out. Huge. To the point where we were both a mess. She went to bed highly upset, I could barely sleep, and I felt myself slipping over the abyss of not being good enough. I was believing a lot of the ugly she spewed at me. I was not in a good place and I'm sure she wasn't either.
This morning we were pleasant, even nice and the day got off ok. Tonight... I can't even describe it. And I won't share details because it's her story and not mine. Suffice it to say we had an amazing conversation. First about last night. Then about so much more. So very much more.
She shared things with me that I had no clue of. Things she's never spoken of before. Things from before she came to live with me - details I had not before heard. Things you wouldn't believe. Things she deals with to this day that she's never mentioned. Daily thoughts, fears, where a lot of her anxiety comes from, and so much more.
I treasure this. I'm blessed she opened up to me. Isn't this how things often happen. We go through rough patches, come out on the other side and are stronger for it. The lows of last night have given way to clarity.
A clarity I wish wasn't needed.
I wish beyond all, that my children never had to go through what they have, and that I could take all the hurt from them.
I wish I could 'make it all better.'
But I can listen.
I can be there to hear it: the good, the bad, the downright ugly, the confessions, the celebrations.
And that's where I need to focus.
My heart grieves all she's lost.
But where last night I wallowed in self doubt, tonight I grieve for my child.
She is so very strong. I look up to her more than any other person I know.
All she's endured. And yet her faith is solid. Her morals unwavering. I fall short of who she herself strives to be. She will do mighty things in her lifetime.
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Olivia - 14
Braeden - 11
Liam - 9
Macy - 5
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