Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Tearful Goodbyes

The kids and I had to say goodbye to a very special person in our life tonight.

It was pretty sudden and we most likely won't get to ever see them again... how's that for a jolt.

The little one in these pictures with Liam is our former foster child "Girlie." She and Liam are four months apart and have always had a special bond.

When her case headed toward termination I prayed about whether or not we were her forever family. A lot. She came to us at 23 months and had been through h**l and back and had the scars to show it. She could swear like a sailor. She was "kicked out" of two different day cares for biting so hard on other children's cheeks to leave huge and immediate bruises... and for no real reason. She had to be put in one piece PJs, inside out and backwards to keep from smearing feces during the night. And the list could continue. At 2 years old she hit every bullet point for a child with RAD that a child her age could hit, and then some. There were only a few she didn't and it was because of lack of exposure to those circumstances, I felt it was only a matter of time.

Though I loved her to death it was the hardest year I've been through as a parent. And during that time of prayer I knew that we were not meant to be her forever family. But my heart hurt for my kids, especially Liam, and having to say goodbye. That was in July of 2008. Two and a half years ago.

The agency I was with did NOT do what needed to be done in finding her a suitable home. She needed experience and parents that we just didn't have available in our area. There was no one. Eventually my friend "J" stepped up and said that she would parent her, that she knew what she was getting into. She was already parenting one with some minor attachment issues, had experience with special needs, researched RAD, and didn't want to add more children to the mix eventually like I did. So Girlie went to live with her new family.

It was a rough road for all involved in many ways, and there is a lot more to the story, but suffice it to say they were on the road to recovery, rights were terminated, and adoption was looming. And then a couple weeks ago the bottom dropped out. She had been going to a public day care and she lost it and got in a huge scuttle with a teacher, threw a toilet tank lid, breaking it into a million pieces, and fought like HECK. She was asked to leave. Girlie was sent last week to a new day care, one that specializes in special needs kids. Today she threw a piece of glass at a teacher, cutting her leg, and spilled an entire jug of grape juice on their carpet. And my friend, upon searching her room today, discovered a nail file in her bed that had been missing for a while. Among other things, these were huge red flags.

They've been in counseling, and the counselor is amazed at some of the things that come out of her mouth. She is ARTICULATE and so so smart. She sounds like a ten year old trapped in a five year old body. Really.

And when J called me today to tell me what was going on with her newest day care, she also told me that she has given the agency notice. They are finding her a new home.
As. Of. Tomorrow.

So tonight after church we went to say our goodbyes. How do you do that?

(Unfortunately I only had my cell phone camera.)

How do you explain to your three children WHY this is happening?

How do you tell your five year old what is going on? That he will most likely never see his buddy again?

How do you explain enough so that your seven year old doesn't want to just look at the things on the fridge instead of being open about how upset he is and joins in a picture?

How do you listen to this 5-going-on-10 year old tell you they're not scared about tomorrow when you ask, when you know inside they are being confirmed in what they most likely have thought from the get go... I'm going to control this situation because it won't last... adults can't be trusted... I have no one to care for me but me... I'm going to act up so they'll send me on when I get too close because I want to control...

How do you do THAT?

Oh how I wish there were a way to take her back. I just can't. I know I can't. It would be a miserable thing for us all... but oh how I wish...

My prayers go with her... I hope yours do as well...


Diane said...

So sad. You and your friend have done much for this little one, despite the professionals not following through. It is so hard to wish you could have done more, when you know that it is not possible. She is in God's hands. Trust Him to now find the perfect home to help her.

Kathy C. said...

It is hard and unfortunately the child is just going to get older and smarter. All the if only's and what if's don't happen. Been there, although not that bad. Hopefully they can find a therapeutic home where she is the only child. And maybe your kids can keep in touch a little. Praying their hearts heal.

Holly said...

:( I truly have no adequate words.
I only wish that all parents understood the deep and lasting impact of their decisions and behaviors on their children. :(

praying for comfort and healing and for the perfect home for girlie

Lora said...

Poor sweet little one. I will pray for her, and for you and your friend, that the outcome will truly be for the best.

:)De said...

It is so hard becasue we use the words, "forever family" and I know for me when I could not be my oldest kid's forever family the other children naturally had fear that their placemnt was in jeapordy too. It is HARD!!! There are so few words to explain. We as parents have to just trust completely in God and then ask for His peace to be in the heart of our children.

We will pray for Girlie that she can reach healing.

Julie said...

I'm just sick. Praying for girlie and y'all. :(

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I am a single mom to four amazing kids; each of whom just happen to have been adopted. The first three were adopted through foster care, and we just completed an international adoption from Haiti. Our family has grown through adoption and I am all the more blessed to know each of my children. I worship a mighty God, teach Special Ed, love bargains, and am inspired by Pinterest... come along with us for the ride!

Olivia - 14

Olivia - 14

Braeden - 11

Braeden - 11

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