Wednesday, April 21, 2010

In a Perfect World...


Living in a perfect world is a bittersweet idea. For me it conjures up the world the way God would have originally imagined it to be. Or at least the way I imagine that God would have imagined it. ☺ It would be a place where people would get along, where no one would hurt or be sad at someone’s remarks that cut them to the core, where things would be shared if someone needed food or shelter or clothing, where we would all truly be spiritual siblings, and would treat each other as such. But, as I said it would be bittersweet. For as wonderful as that sounds, as wonderful and glorifying as that would be, it would also mean that I didn’t have any children. I wouldn’t have my three beautiful blessings. Because in a perfect world, parents would marry their husbands and wives, would have children, and would parent, lovingly, those children until adulthood. I’m sure there would still be a form of adoption brought on by the rare tragedy, taking a child’s family from them and leaving them without anyone else, but in that case we would all simply follow God’s providence, His plan, and WE would all care for the widows and the ORPHANS. Parents wouldn’t choose negative behavior over their children. Parents wouldn’t be forced to place their children for adoption because they couldn’t care for them. Situations like the little boy I submitted paperwork for wouldn’t exist (he is a beloved child with Down’s, the son of a single parent with no support, who has received multitudes of therapies, etc, but she just can’t keep on). In a perfect world, I (if I had money, if I had space, If….) would take them BOTH in and help HER to care for HER child. And in a perfect world, children wouldn’t be forced into foster care, where families wouldn’t choose to continue their negative behavior over “earning” their child back, where states wouldn’t be forced to take parental rights away, where I wouldn’t be adopting my children, and where I wouldn’t have to go through with one of my beauties what I went through last night.


Because last night I ended up holding and comforting a sobbing six year old as he wept and wept for birth parents he doesn’t know. Crying to know what they look like, what their names are, what they are like. And I held him, and comforted him, rocked him, and my heart broke for him, broke with him. And even at six years old, as he was going through what he was going through, he turned to me and said that he loves me, that I am a good mom, but that he would just like to know them. Wow. We talked and prayed and I reassured him that they love him, they think of him, they will love to know him one day. And as I put him to bed I told him his birth dad’s first name. (I couldn’t remember his mom’s but will look it up to tell him.) He began a falsetto type song about his dad (name) and how he is the best dad. And then I battled myself, with human emotion, which I can’t believe I am even admitting, and was thinking not so nice things about this dad that Braeden was singing so beautifully about. Luckily my Godly side won out and I stopped and just broke apart all over again for my son, for his heart, for his loss, and for his grief.


In a perfect world I wouldn’t have to see my son go through this. But in a perfect world I wouldn’t have my son. Bittersweet.

4 comments:

Holly said...

Beautiful. Bittersweet indeed.

Oh, I feel that way about my children too. I can't imagine life without them anymore, but it would be best if sin had never entered this world and they were with their first parents. But then, if there were no sin, then I would be happy anyway. . .

One day there will be no tears.

Maureen said...

Oh this has happened in our house too. My oldest daughter was 5 when she came to me, so she still remembers her birth mom really well. I gave her a journal which she writes in so that maybe one day, she will be able to share her life with her. Sometimes she cries for her and I cry for my daughter. She asks me if I know where she is, and I have to say, "No, not at this moment." But I do know, and each month I check the website for the county jail inmates...to see if she is still there...but I can not tell my daughter this, it would surely break her heart. And yet I feel so lucky...so sad...but still so happy. Yes, bittersweet.

Eve said...

I understand that must have been very difficult dealing with a child just wanting to know their biological parent. It sounds like you handled this situation very, very well. I'm glad that the Godly side won out :D

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I am a single mom to four amazing kids; each of whom just happen to have been adopted. The first three were adopted through foster care, and we just completed an international adoption from Haiti. Our family has grown through adoption and I am all the more blessed to know each of my children. I worship a mighty God, teach Special Ed, love bargains, and am inspired by Pinterest... come along with us for the ride!


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Little did I know that the road would be so rocky
Little did I know that the trip would take so long
Little did I know that my heart could hurt so much
Little did I know that God is never wrong

Little did I know that love could be so powerful
Little did I know that a dream so far could go
Little did I know that God would place the right ones
Little did I know that my heart, so large, could grow

Little did I know that a dream has it’s own timing
Little did I know that this day would finally come
Little did I know that four souls would be sent to guide me
Little did I know that they would choose to call me mom

But God knew all along and He had a plan to follow
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