Little Did I Know: April 2016

Thursday, April 21, 2016

When the hard leaves you without words

7:33 PM

I hear it's a full moon tomorrow. Maybe that explains my melancholy mood the past 48 hours or so. Or perhaps there are explanations of another sort. Either way, I despise being stuck in the mire, unsure of how to break the spell and climb back out.

Olivia has a biological sibling whom she hasn't seen in years and only began communicating with again the past few months. Watching her navigate this relationship and reacquaint herself with her sibling has been a mixture of emotions. I needn't worry, she's doing beautifully.

This past Sunday she was asked to come to this sibling's high school graduation. Unfortunately they live 2 1/2-3 hours from us depending on traffic. And because she hasn't seen them in so long she was thinking their first visit would be just with her and I (we've been discussing a visit halfway for a while now). But I'm a single parent, and that's over five hours of just driving, and it's not easy to leave all 3 of mine with anyone other than one certain sitter, especially for that long.

So we had some hard conversations where I was not liked very much nor understood. I explained that if our sitter could do it then yes I'd love her to go more than anything, but if not then we could still attempt to go, but we would have to take one of the boys with and try still to find someone to watch the other two. She was not happy. 😒

We asked our sitter immediately but I knew she was out of town and we most likely wouldn't hear back for a while.

Tuesday morning I heard from her. She wasn't able to sit for us. I had to break the news to Olivia. She then had to try to explain to her sibling who I know doesn't understand, and ask if they could possibly get us three tickets instead of two. I know how hard that may be. I know that's asking a lot. But I hate for her to not be able to go now that she's been asked and especially because her sibling had shared what an amazing accomplishment this is when there were times they didn't think they'd make it.

We still haven't heard if 3 is a possibility. But I just can't drop her off without knowing anyone to go to the ceremony alone. And I struggle with not being enough or doing enough.

Not a couple of hours later I received a speakerphone call from Braeden's teacher and school social worker. He had made some concerning comments at school and we had a pow wow (luckily they called when I actually had some time to talk) - over his intentions, their responses, how he handled it all, and the plan moving forward. And I again was struggling with not feeling like I was enough.

This same day I was messaging with a fellow adoptive mom who recently came home with their child. And she's struggling. And my heart goes out to her in so many ways because I've walked those trenches. And I have no perfect words. Just prayers. Is it enough?

And I struggle to pull myself up, and out, and back from the edge. And I pray. Because I know deep within that God is enough. I will never be enough. And that's ok.

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Sunday, April 17, 2016

Ten Months

7:44 PM

Hard to believe it was ten months ago today that Olivia and I, barely over being dreadfully sick in Haiti at the tail end of our trip, made our way from Miami to Chicago and finally home as a family of five.

It's been such a roller coaster since with highs and lows and times of just coasting along at breakneck speeds and slow lulls.

My mind still has a hard time wrapping itself around the fact that she has fit so seamlessly into our lives. It's hard to remember a 'before'. Hard to determine which memories she was present for at times of reminiscing.

I'm so amazed by her.

By her resilience.

By her capacity for love, for attachment, for family.

She is going to be a world changer!!!

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Sunday, April 10, 2016

Etsy

10:03 PM

JIf you haven't heard of etsy, and I know there are some out there, you must check it out!!! Etsy is an amazing online marketplace where people create and sell almost anything you could dream up. From novice doll clothes makers to couture clothing creators, beaded bracelets to hand forged silver, rustic benches to amazing coffee tables, you can find it all.

Etsy is where I often turn for creative and unique pieces. It's where I purchased Macy's birthday shirt...

And also where I splurged on her wire name and pink cake stand...

After receiving the cake stand by mail, I messaged the seller to let her know it had arrived and how much I loved it. I then ended up sharing a bit of our story letting her know the special way I had planned to use it and for such a monumental occasion.

She in turn wrote that she would love to send us fondant cupcake toppers free!! I was overwhelmed and couldn't believe it! But come they did and we had just over three DOZEN amazing toppers to use for the party!! I missed pictures of all of the designs but here are a few...

Like I said... Amazing!!!

They were a huge hit and fit the party so well!!! I can't thank her enough!!

Go check out Pretty Party Details on Etsy and give her some love!

https://www.etsy.com/shop/PrettyPartyDetails?ref=ss_profile.

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Birthday Blessings

8:17 PM

We were so excited to finally be able to plan a birthday for Macy where she would be here!

We celebrated her THIRD birthday at her Rainbow party without her...

And then her FOURTH birthday at her Frozen party without her...

And her FIFTH birthday on Easter of last year at a mini princess party with just us four...

Until finally we were able to have a full blown princess party with a princess to celebrate!

We were so blessed to have about 30 friends (in my little tiny house) who came to celebrate with us!

Each of these friends has become our family and we were rich indeed with all of them here to say happy birthday to our Macy!

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Loss

4:51 PM

My heartbreaks for my boy who yearns to know more about his birth parents.

A seemingly perfect day can be interspersed with these kind of reminders that his loss and grief are never far from the surface.

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An Amazing First

4:44 PM

Our special girl turned SIX on Tuesday!!! While that's a big deal on its own, this was also her first birthday home with our family, but even more importantly, the first birthday she's ever celebrated independently.

While growing up at her orphanage, I'm not sure how or if they recognize individual birthdays. Each summer though they have one large birthday celebration for all of the kids. While I'm glad they were able to do that, I can't imagine that means much other than a day of fun for all.