When the hard leaves you without words

I hear it's a full moon tomorrow.  Maybe that explains my melancholy mood the past 48 hours or so. Or perhaps there are explanations of another sort. Either way, I despise being stuck in the mire, unsure of how to break the spell and climb back out.

Olivia has a biological sibling whom she hasn't seen in years and only began communicating with again the past few months. Watching her navigate this relationship and reacquaint herself with her sibling has been a mixture of emotions. I needn't worry, she's doing beautifully.  

This past Sunday she was asked to come to this sibling's high school graduation. Unfortunately they live 2 1/2-3 hours from us depending on traffic. And because she hasn't seen them in so long she was thinking their first visit would be just with her and I (we've been discussing a visit halfway for a while now). But I'm a single parent, and that's over five hours of just driving, and it's not easy to leave all 3 of mine with anyone other than one certain sitter, especially for that long.

So we had some hard conversations where I was not liked very much nor understood.  I explained that if our sitter could do it then yes I'd love her to go more than anything, but if not then we could still attempt to go, but we would have to take one of the boys with and try still to find someone to watch the other two.  She was not happy. 😒

We asked our sitter immediately but I knew she was out of town and we most likely wouldn't hear back for a while.  

Tuesday morning I heard from her. She wasn't able to sit for us. I had to break the news to Olivia. She then had to try to explain to her sibling who I know doesn't understand, and ask if they could possibly get us three tickets instead of two. I know how hard that may be. I know that's asking a lot. But I hate for her to not be able to go now that she's been asked and especially because her sibling had shared what an amazing accomplishment this is when there were times they didn't think they'd make it.

We still haven't heard if 3 is a possibility. But I just can't drop her off without knowing anyone to go to the ceremony alone.  And I struggle with not being enough or doing enough.

Not a couple of hours later I received a speakerphone call from Braeden's teacher and school social worker. He had made some concerning comments at school and we had a pow wow (luckily they called when I actually had some time to talk) - over his intentions, their responses, how he handled it all, and the plan moving forward.  And I again was struggling with not feeling like I was enough.

This same day I was messaging with a fellow adoptive mom who recently came home with their child. And she's struggling. And my heart goes out to her in so many ways because I've walked those trenches. And I have no perfect words. Just prayers. Is it enough?

And I struggle to pull myself up, and out, and back from the edge. And I pray. Because I know deep within that God is enough. I will never be enough. And that's ok.