Well, after lots and lots of prayer and thought, I've decided to be Girlie's foster home until she is able to transition to an adoptive home. That would be after termination, of course. I love her to death, but in that I also want so much for her.

I know that she is in a stable secure environment right now and I'm so proud of all she has accomplished and how far she has come. But she still has so far to go, and I think that a lot of that may never fully be resolved for her. She just went through and saw too too much for her little life to comprehend fully. Although we don't have the aggression at home that we did when she came, it's still there in bits and pieces. And it does show up in other areas. At church last Sunday, where we have gone since she was placed with us, she bit a child, hit a child, and then when one of the youth ministers leaned down to talk with her about the hitting, she turned and slapped her across the face! One of the hardest parts, and I know they don't understand, is that one of the two teachers of the class would barely look at me and he said that if it ever happened again they "would just page me." Well, that's what you probably should have done. But the way it was said and how he wouldn't look at me just shows how little people understand what foster children have or may have gone through and where this behavior could come from. Yes, she's "just two" and yes, many children this age get behaviors through their home environment, but they know she is a foster child. He was acting as if it was somehow my fault she was behaving the way she was.

Anyway, my point is that I foresee her having a lot to deal with as she gets older. I expect her to be diagnosed with RAD. I expect many problems in school, socially, etc. She really needs a two parent or single stay at home parent family. One that is experienced in parenting. One that can pick her up from school when they call to say she has been acting up and needs to go home. Hopefully even one experienced with RAD or at least will take the time to research it and really know what they are "signing up for." I do not want her to be adopted and then have that disrupted down the road.

I just know on some gut level that she is not meant to be a forever part of our family. I am excited though to be able to be able to help her transition, maybe even help be a part of choosing a family for her, definantly help her to get to know them at least. I've already started her lifebook to tell the story of her while she was with us.

I don't know when her parental termination would be coming through. I know they said they were going to expedite it, but I talked to someone who used to work at our agency, and they have never seen that actually happen and said they would be surprised. I also think, if mom is indeed pregnant, that the baby should not be placed with her. No idea if the agency would agree. I really think she needs to be the only or far youngest child in the home. She will target any her size or younger, even bigger get targeted but they can at least hold their own. She's tried to bite my mom a couple of times! She will really need a lot of attention and focus in moving to yet another family and with a newborn baby, I think it would be too much. Not that I plan on keeping or taking the baby myself. I don't think I would if they offered, but will pray about that if/when it became a reality.

If any of you would be interested or know anyone who may be a good match for her, I'd be happy to talk more through email and possibly pass your info on if/when the time comes. She is a doll. (Really, I'm not just saying that! :) She is and I love her sense of humor. She is also SO SMART!!!) She just needs a lot more than I will be able to give her. Please keep her/us in your prayers.

We are slowly and finally all on the mend! Braeden went back to day care on Friday while Liam stayed home one more day. I slept a lot over the weekend and feel a million times better. I had planned to go to a friend's to scrapbook Sunday so kept the sitter and my mom and I both went. It was a nice break. We also went to dinner. I feel so much better today, but still tired now that the afternoon has hit. I think all the kids are doing well finally. Olivia still hasn't gotten anything, so my mom will stay a while longer to make sure we're ok.

Thursday afternoon Liam's doctor finally got him in after Monday's scare. He looked him over for literally 5 minutes! I told him what happened, apparently he forgot the call from ER and talking with them and didn't have the report. I said that it was exactly the same as what happened last summer and he said, "What happened last summer?" I wanted to strangle him!!! So, I proceeded to remind him of the 911 call and the EEG and MRI he prescribed, etc. He said "I guess you earned a trip to a pediatric neurologist." OMG! That was the entire visit that we just waited three days for!? so, they are supposed to be setting up an appt at University of Chicago. I asked if they could please, please, please get an appt for spring break. We'll see. At least I know that hospital well. :)

Grandma came in last night and we are happy to have her! Braeden threw up at the airport, from the drainage. Today he was running around playing until Grandpa wanted to talk to him, then he slowed down and said how sick he was! lol Liam and Braeden are home today. They will probably be out at least the rest of the week. I think Olivia is getting sick. She feels tired and has a cough, but that's it for now. I was doing so great washing constantly, etc. Hoped I could get past it, or at least wait until the weekend. My chest is now killing me and my eyes are burning and my ears hurt. :( Yuck. but I'm here at work!!! Trying to get through the week. We have so many kids out it's crazy. The room across from mine was missing 6 yesterday. I only have 7 full time, 10 part of the day. One is out. I love being sick. ! :(

I finally got a hold of Liam's cw this morning. I told her what happened and how I had overheard his bio mom talking at the last court date about his brother having "seizures all the time." I said it would be really good to know medical information on this and whether it is a genetic trait. She was great and called mom right away. She confirmed that yes, he did and gave her her grandmother's number. Her mom is who has Liam's brother, but she was working today so the great grandmother had him. She reconfirmed saying that his brother had had seizures of the exact same kind every time he would get a fever over 101, BUT hasn't had one in over a year. They are trying to get clearance for his doctor to fax the information to the agency and Liam's doctor. I did let her know that when this happened in the summer he hadn't had a fever, but I'm glad to be on the right track. It just frustrates me that I was the one who first had to come up with a seizure "diagnosis", that even after I did the current cw didn't follow through to ask mom if there was a family history, that I again had to overhear mom say this, and then finally something is being done. The cw at the very least should have had this information all along, if not me as well as his foster parent. Especially when he developed related issues. AHHHHHH!!!!